Balls will attempt to light a candle in the darkness by sharing hard-earned wisdom with the great unwashed! The fact that Balls International Industries makes nary a penny* from this endeavor has been the catalyst for several bouts of severe acid reflux. However, I will press on nonetheless in order to make this frightening world of ours a better place.
*Full disclosure: Balls International Industries can and will deduct the fair market value of this expert advice, which will enable us to dramatically pare our tax liability for this fiscal year.
Teachable Moment #1: A personal note to the neighborhood hooligan: Stay off my lawn!
Truly you have sprung forth from your father’s loins! There is no paternal DNA test necessary, for the apple truly hath not fallen far from the tree! You and your father before you have dedicated your wretched years of adolescence to a fantasy less attainable than climbing Mt Everest: attempting to scale my electric fence, evade my pit bulls, swim my mote, and otherwise sully the Balls estate! Adjectives that can easily be ascribed to the both of you include tenacious, stubborn, determined, dumb as a bag of hammers, char hands, chew butt, and wetback! Your lack of creativity is both stunning and stunningly predictable! I am sending a first aid kit to you via parcel post that you may some day use for a teachable moment with your own nasty little hooligan. Until then, Balls firmly advises you to stay off of my lawn! -Balls
Teachable Moment #2: How the Flat Tax Will Save America!
Balls is truly fascinated by the wide-eyed, French-loving, wind-powered do-gooders who yearn for the federal government to garnish a larger share of their meager wages! “Let the Bush tax cuts expire”, they say! “Let’s give more handouts to the ne’er do wells and miscreants! Let’s steal from the thrifty and diligent among us and give to the dope-smoking layabouts standing in line for free cheese!” This heinous redistribution of wealth has the appearance of equality to the naive, but Balls understands that true equality can only be realized through the glorious flat tax!
How would the flat tax benefit the great unwashed? First off, consider the extra Happy Meal you could afford each year courtesy of your new marginal rate! Second, even the most depraved, drug-addled, herpes-ridden delinquent in Mendecino County could easily calculate their tax liability with the flat tax! The calculator that would normally be plucked once per annum from the weed drawer could now be sold on Craig’s List for a tidy sum! Finally, the beautiful truisms behind trickle-down economics would surely manifest and benefit even the most bereft of our fine countrymen. Since Balls will be saving tens of millions of dollars per year, some scraps are bound to fall from my table! Perhaps a spirit of giving may overtake Balls after a meal at Ruth’s Chris and inspire me to tip the valet! That, my friends, is precisely why the flat tax will save America!