Queries From The Great Unwashed

Queries From the Great Unwashed

Queries From the Great Unwashed

Every once in a blue moon I’ll receive a morsel from some ne’re do well out there typing away in his mom’s basement that’s simply too priceless to resist publishing. I hesitated at first to print these bits of drivel, since seeing your name in print may boost your wretched self esteem sufficiently enough to stumble upon a suitable mate. This pathetic pairing, of course, would inevitably lead to the production of some nasty infant destined to be on the dole from cradle to grave, all the while doing his or her best to drain away the Balls estate via the wealth-destroying tax code we embrace under the cloak of “fairness”. For these obvious reasons I will conceal the real names of of those brazen enough to waste my precious time with this mind-numbing rubbish. -Balls

(Note that this dear fan wrote in response to my recent article “Eye of the Tiger”. Balls knew when he began writing for this leftist rag that he would inevitably be drawn into matching wits with nitwits like Agitated.)

Mr. Balls: I am gonna call it out as the sort of propoganda bullshit that Management always tries. We are NOT lazy. We are NOT overpaid. We are NOT insolent. The top ONE PERCENT has gotten way out of sync in paying for its responsibilites, (including wages/taxes of people they hire). The writer of this article is a douche the first order. The New Right Wing Talking Point…BLAME THE AMERICAN WORKER. – Agitated in America

Dear Agitated:

I understand and appreciate your concerns (see “Livid in Mobile” below for an explanation of that preface). No doubt your upstart tone is a result of being raised by some liberal hipsters who thought free expression, rubbish or not, was always “beautiful, man”!  How did you ever find time in your busy schedule to write? Did you pen that eloquent note during a WWF commercial break or while surfing the net on company time? My guess is the latter, which only substantiates your undeservedly lavish pay and unmistakable insolence!

The “top one percent” you reference are guilty as charged: the top one percent in intelligence, wealth, vision, and business acumen! If the founder of your firm had not taken the financial risk of investing the capital, you would surely be standing in the free cheese line as I pen this response! In all honesty, there is still not enough disparity in pay between the visionaries and the great unwashed! I just gave myself another bonus for wasting cherished time on this pointless reply!

My suggestion, my friend, is for you to drop everything and move to the new Balls facilities in Tokmok, Kyrgyzstan. There you will be broken down and rebuilt at our state-of-the-start Company Stooge training program. You still have time to realize your full potential! I guarantee that, after successfully completing our program, even you will find the “eye of the tiger”. -Balls

Dear Thaddy,

You are a hero to everyone not dubbed a “small person” by BP! We would appreciate your creative thoughts on rolling back those annoying  laws on child labor, minimum wage, OSHA, and any others that the great unwashed have benefited from.

Wondering in Williamsburg

Dear Wondering,

I haven’t been called “Thaddy” since my cousin Tiny coined that monicker while fox hunting together as young lads! My friend, it’s refreshing to hear from a man of such horse sense! The typical drivel that comes in from the great unwashed reads like it’s been sent from a kindergarten class, a prison cell, or an office on Capitol Hill!

Balls simply chooses to move offshore when onerous laws are ruthlessly imposed on business. If the new Health Insurance reform forces Balls to provide benefits for every lackey we employ in the U.S., we’ll simply move operations to one of our more business-friendly overseas locations! In this case, Myanmar and North Korea would be excellent alternatives, since both consider a “comprehensive benefits package” to mean a tube of Ben Gay and a thermometer! Even better, the retirement plan is a simple push down a flight of steps! No dreadful decision between a gold watch or pen knife necessary! In the U.S. Balls endures endless sniveling about 401(k) plans, vision, dental, personal days, waah, waah, waah!

I’m overjoyed that you mentioned the minimum wage, my good man! This heinous edict has done more to steal away America’s growth potential than any other dictate!!! Why would I choose to bestow seven dollars per hour on some drooling drone here when I can get more robust work for seven cents per hour overseas? Balls also has much more latitude with productivity enhancement techniques overseas!

Regarding the multitude of additional constraints foisted upon business over the prior century, it’s no wonder the recent recession didn’t turn into a full-blown armageddon! The only answer, as you and I well know, is to return to the glory days of capitalism: the 1890s! I believe that America has a deep and abiding trust that business will monitor and regulate ourselves. -Balls

Dear Mr. Balls:

I detest everything you stand for. You’re just so damn cute!


Puzzled in Palmyra

Dear puzzled:

My lefty publisher contractually requires me to periodically respond to the ramblings of the great unwashed, and your note embodies both a child-like simplicity and compelling Freudian undertones. It is for this reason that I chose your scribbling from the thousands of letters that my stooges peruse for me on a daily basis. Most, of course, are simply looking for a handout. Yours intrigued me for the minimal amount of effort you invested when writing to one of the most respected business strategists on the planet! It also appealed to me for the miniscule amount of time and effort necessary for me to reply.

Judging from your suppressed aggression and confused sexuality, I am assuming you come from that sorry bunch popularly known as “flower children”. My soft-headed son was dragged over to your dark side by his lefty French wife, who loves nothing more than to develop elaborate plans of how the Balls fortune can benefit ne’er-do-wells and miscreants! It is always delightfully entertaining to shout “let them eat cake” just when she is at the peak of her pontifications about her beloved bottom feeders!

I do appreciate your flattering regarding my appearance. Some of my contemporaries, including my cousin Geoffrey “Wrinkly” Balls, have simply given up on keeping themselves fit. I endeavor to maintain a good appearance through squash, the occasional game of polo, and a strict regimen of laxatives.

Thank you so much for writing! The time stolen from my schedule in order to respond has probably weakened this great country of ours, since I was working on top secret matters for the defense arm of Balls International when I was interrupted by your trite little note! I’m sure I will also catch hell from Mrs. Balls for encouraging another potential stalker! Thankfully, the electric perimeter, security guards, and highly trained canines will prevent you from ever treading on the finely manicured lawn of the Balls estate! -Balls




Dear Livid,

I understand and appreciate your concerns. Actually, I do not, but my mentor (my recently deceased Grandfather Balls, God rest his soul) taught me to preface my true feelings with that trite obligatory disclaimer in order to cushion the blow when frankly addressing a lesser man. To put it bluntly, the most troubling aspect of the BP stumble was the grim prospect of a locust-like migration northward of common folk like you. Fortunately, most neighborhoods within a hundred miles of my estate have zoning ordinances which would prevent the horrifying prospect of you and your kin parking your home and hanging your loathsome laundry. While I do not pretend to believe that you will find this to be a suitable apology, it will have to do for now.


B. Thaddeus Balls

P.S. Are you truly that rude or did an unwieldy pork rind find its way to your Caps Lock key?

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