Posts Tagged ‘balls’

High Unemployment is a Good Thing, Indeed!

High Unemployment is a Good Thing, Indeed!

Half-wit economists have been running around with their hair on fire screaming bloody murder simply because of the high unemployment rate persisting among the great unwashed. These delusional nerds are acting as if their Dr. Who program had been temporarily interrupted with a football game! In spite of the misleading rubbish being passed off by “scholars” and the unappealing smell of desperation emanating from the masses, high unemployment rates are actually quite pleasant! [Read the rest of this article...]

Prisons: A Growth Industry!

Prisons: A Growth Industry!

My friends, it is in the best interest of our shareholders to increase enrollment and to lengthen the average stay at one of our facilities. The real sweet spot of our target market involves common crimes committed by common folk who can’t afford competent legal counsel. Our lobbying arm has done an outstanding job at influencing government lackeys to increase minimum mandatory sentences for theft, drugs, and other common offenses. What politician wants to be portrayed as “soft on crime” in a Balls-sponsored television commercial? If this industry continues to trend favorably, we envision a future where upwards of ten percent of the U.S. population are long-term guests in our pristine facilities! [Read the rest of this article...]

An Open Letter to Andrew Breitbart

An Open Letter to Andrew Breitbart

Dear Andrew, Balls is appalled by your merciless crucifixion in the media for the crime of airing one of America’s funniest home videos! Your wry sense of humor has been lost in the mock outrage of the hyenas fraudulently misrepresenting your story.  After parsing the facts surrounding the case, I believe that Balls and Breitbart [Read the rest of this article...]

We Must Extend the Bush Tax Cuts!

We Must Extend the Bush Tax Cuts!

Balls receives thousands of letters each day from concerned citizens across this great country of ours. Why is the unemployment rate still hovering around ten percent, you query? Why does my quarterly 401(k) statement make me weep uncontrollably, you ponder? Why can’t I pry my thirty year old son from the couch in my basement, you snivel? These questions all have a common answer, my friends: We must extend the Bush tax cuts! [Read the rest of this article...]

Russian Spies, Shock and Awe

Russian Spies, Shock and Awe

Ready the bomb shelters! Stock up on SPAM and surgical masks! Let the students rehearse “duck and cover” once more! Boris walks among us! The question is not if, but when, the Ruskie nukes will fly! The only hope that stands between our beloved way of life as we know it and armageddon is a massive preemptive attack on the Russian Bear! [Read the rest of this article...]

Where Will The Ax Fall The Hardest?

Where Will The Ax Fall The Hardest?

Balls finds it rather amusing that even the most hardcore tax-and-spend lunatics now recognize that we must finally come to our fiscal senses! Even their socialist heros in Europe are taking the ax to spending in the interest of self-preservation. However, the lackeys in Congress also understand all too well that cutting spending will inevitably alienate some group of their constituents. Which groups of constituents are most likely to experience the sharp edge of the ax? [Read the rest of this article...]

An Open Letter To All Balls Employees

Why We Must Take Appropriate “Austerity” Measures It is no secret that lefty countries like Greece, Spain, Portugal, and the U.S. are finally experiencing the consequences of their vicious and  irresponsible wealth redistribution practices. In spite of the continued attempts of these socialist fools to confiscate our hard-earned profits, I am proud to report that [Read the rest of this article...]

Balls International Industries: About Us

Balls International Industries: About Us

Balls built an international empire and enjoyed great prosperity until his planned death on the eve of his 100th birthday. Thousands of well-wishers attended the funeral to bid a fond farewell to Ebenezer, and BII Employees reminisced about the fledgling years of the company. One Balls retiree mused about the “old man” publicly “bringing the wood” to young employees for such infractions as throwing away an unused paper clip and sustaining eye contact with a manager. [Read the rest of this article...]

Wanted: Experienced Disciplinarian

Wanted: Experienced Disciplinarian

Balls International Industries only does business in jurisdictions that permit corporal punishment in the workplace. As such, our rapidly growing workforce has necessitated the hiring of disciplinarians with experience in same. The successful candidate will be able to hold an employee down while the employee is learning and/or dispense the necessary training. Background in Catholicism a plus, but not required. [Read the rest of this article...]

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Animated Balls: Election 2012

Episode 1: It's Hard to Choose Just One

Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

Episode 5: Newt is Forgiven

Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

Episode 7: Why We Must Elect Rick!

Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

Episode 9: Santorum & Obamaville

Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

Episode 12: Austerity and Obama's Debt!

Episode 13: From My Cold, Dead Hands!

Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

Episode 16: Mitt & Me; 2 Peas in a Pod!

Episode 17: Mitt and the 47%

Episode 18: The PA Voter ID Law

Episode 19: The Boss is Running!

Episode 20: Benghazi Has Legs

Episode 21: Grover, the NRA, and the GOP

Animated Balls: A New Frontier!

Piers Morgan & the White House Conspire Against Alex Jones!

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