Posts Tagged ‘Balls-International-Industries’

The Balls International Postal Service

The Balls International Postal Service

The first order of business after the acquisition will be to shed the legion of overpaid union jackals that currently lose our letters and drain the taxpayer dry! They will be briskly kicked to the curb and replaced with a workforce of Balls International Industries team members from our plants in Bangladesh, Sudan, and North Korea. These thrifty young workhorses will be happy to pull seven twelve-hour-shifts per week for a bucket of rice and a trickle of running water! [Read the rest of this article...]

A Unique Acquisition

A Unique Acquisition

Consider the possibilities! Balls International Industries will own approximately one-fifth of the world’s fresh surface water! Millions of new clients will have the pleasure of relying on my better nature for their drinking water! The shipping lanes will be bustling once again with cargo ships whisking payloads of PCBs and thalidomide in and out of our great ports! Our national quest for energy independence can finally be realized with rigorous oil exploration and drilling throughout these grand waters! [Read the rest of this article...]

An Open Letter To All Balls Employees

Why We Must Take Appropriate “Austerity” Measures It is no secret that lefty countries like Greece, Spain, Portugal, and the U.S. are finally experiencing the consequences of their vicious and  irresponsible wealth redistribution practices. In spite of the continued attempts of these socialist fools to confiscate our hard-earned profits, I am proud to report that [Read the rest of this article...]

Balls International Industries: About Us

Balls International Industries: About Us

Balls built an international empire and enjoyed great prosperity until his planned death on the eve of his 100th birthday. Thousands of well-wishers attended the funeral to bid a fond farewell to Ebenezer, and BII Employees reminisced about the fledgling years of the company. One Balls retiree mused about the “old man” publicly “bringing the wood” to young employees for such infractions as throwing away an unused paper clip and sustaining eye contact with a manager. [Read the rest of this article...]

Wanted: Experienced Disciplinarian

Wanted: Experienced Disciplinarian

Balls International Industries only does business in jurisdictions that permit corporal punishment in the workplace. As such, our rapidly growing workforce has necessitated the hiring of disciplinarians with experience in same. The successful candidate will be able to hold an employee down while the employee is learning and/or dispense the necessary training. Background in Catholicism a plus, but not required. [Read the rest of this article...]

General-Purpose Stooge Needed

General-Purpose Stooge Needed

Balls International Industries has an opening available for a stooge. Primary undercover role will be to infiltrate employee cliques and report back to management, but other misc. stooging is expected. The successful candidate will exude shiftiness, excel at backstabbing, and must be a natural liar. [Read the rest of this article...]

Animated Balls: Election 2012

Episode 1: It's Hard to Choose Just One

Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

Episode 5: Newt is Forgiven

Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

Episode 7: Why We Must Elect Rick!

Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

Episode 9: Santorum & Obamaville

Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

Episode 12: Austerity and Obama's Debt!

Episode 13: From My Cold, Dead Hands!

Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

Episode 16: Mitt & Me; 2 Peas in a Pod!

Episode 17: Mitt and the 47%

Episode 18: The PA Voter ID Law

Episode 19: The Boss is Running!

Episode 20: Benghazi Has Legs

Episode 21: Grover, the NRA, and the GOP

Animated Balls: A New Frontier!

Piers Morgan & the White House Conspire Against Alex Jones!

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