‘B.T. Balls’ POV’ Articles

Balls Reconsiders Suffrage: The One Percent Solution

Balls Reconsiders Suffrage: The One Percent Solution

My friends, the great disparity in the distribution of talents and abilities is the primary reason why most of our Founding Fathers never intended to grant voting privileges to the great unwashed. The jackals in congress, enabled by equally detestable activist judges, have defied the original intent of our Founding Fathers by granting an equal voice to the wealthy and the poor, to the educated and the uneducated, to the worthy and the unworthy! I’m sure Adams and Hamilton are spinning in their graves! [Read the rest of this article...]

We Must Extend the Bush Tax Cuts!

We Must Extend the Bush Tax Cuts!

Balls receives thousands of letters each day from concerned citizens across this great country of ours. Why is the unemployment rate still hovering around ten percent, you query? Why does my quarterly 401(k) statement make me weep uncontrollably, you ponder? Why can’t I pry my thirty year old son from the couch in my basement, you snivel? These questions all have a common answer, my friends: We must extend the Bush tax cuts! [Read the rest of this article...]

Balls and the Southern Vote

Balls and the Southern Vote

Nonetheless, Balls has a deep appreciation for the propensity of my southern friends to vote my way every election day! All Balls has to do is run a few low-budget ads mentioning a homosexual here or a threatened fetus there to mobilize millions of blue collar southerners to gleefully support cutting capital gains, slashing regulations on business, ending the estate tax, expanding offshore drilling, etc., etc.! Unlike my Great Grandfather, Balls is grateful for political allies wherever they happen to live in this great country of ours! Perhaps Jethro and Balls can do-si-do down to the polls this November and together usher in the age of the glorious flat tax! -Balls [Read the rest of this article...]

Russian Spies, Shock and Awe

Russian Spies, Shock and Awe

Ready the bomb shelters! Stock up on SPAM and surgical masks! Let the students rehearse “duck and cover” once more! Boris walks among us! The question is not if, but when, the Ruskie nukes will fly! The only hope that stands between our beloved way of life as we know it and armageddon is a massive preemptive attack on the Russian Bear! [Read the rest of this article...]

Eye of the Tiger

Eye of the Tiger

The most recent jobs report was as dreary and dismal as Balls predicted. The only two occupations in the US that showed notable growth were census workers and bird washers! The much-hyped stimulus plan of this wrong-headed administration has stimulated nothing but fear in the hearts of small business owners like Balls. It is apparent [Read the rest of this article...]

Where Will The Ax Fall The Hardest?

Where Will The Ax Fall The Hardest?

Balls finds it rather amusing that even the most hardcore tax-and-spend lunatics now recognize that we must finally come to our fiscal senses! Even their socialist heros in Europe are taking the ax to spending in the interest of self-preservation. However, the lackeys in Congress also understand all too well that cutting spending will inevitably alienate some group of their constituents. Which groups of constituents are most likely to experience the sharp edge of the ax? [Read the rest of this article...]

An Open Letter To All Balls Employees

Why We Must Take Appropriate “Austerity” Measures It is no secret that lefty countries like Greece, Spain, Portugal, and the U.S. are finally experiencing the consequences of their vicious and  irresponsible wealth redistribution practices. In spite of the continued attempts of these socialist fools to confiscate our hard-earned profits, I am proud to report that [Read the rest of this article...]

Balls International Industries: About Us

Balls International Industries: About Us

Balls built an international empire and enjoyed great prosperity until his planned death on the eve of his 100th birthday. Thousands of well-wishers attended the funeral to bid a fond farewell to Ebenezer, and BII Employees reminisced about the fledgling years of the company. One Balls retiree mused about the “old man” publicly “bringing the wood” to young employees for such infractions as throwing away an unused paper clip and sustaining eye contact with a manager. [Read the rest of this article...]

Wanted: Experienced Disciplinarian

Wanted: Experienced Disciplinarian

Balls International Industries only does business in jurisdictions that permit corporal punishment in the workplace. As such, our rapidly growing workforce has necessitated the hiring of disciplinarians with experience in same. The successful candidate will be able to hold an employee down while the employee is learning and/or dispense the necessary training. Background in Catholicism a plus, but not required. [Read the rest of this article...]

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Animated Balls: Election 2012

Episode 1: It's Hard to Choose Just One

Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

Episode 5: Newt is Forgiven

Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

Episode 7: Why We Must Elect Rick!

Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

Episode 9: Santorum & Obamaville

Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

Episode 12: Austerity and Obama's Debt!

Episode 13: From My Cold, Dead Hands!

Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

Episode 16: Mitt & Me; 2 Peas in a Pod!

Episode 17: Mitt and the 47%

Episode 18: The PA Voter ID Law

Episode 19: The Boss is Running!

Episode 20: Benghazi Has Legs

Episode 21: Grover, the NRA, and the GOP

Animated Balls: A New Frontier!

Piers Morgan & the White House Conspire Against Alex Jones!

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