You thought a few Spanish signs in Miami were an imposition? English will soon be relegated to the second or third most common language in the former United States, and may be entirely forgotten by your great grandchildren. Get used to asking “please, sir, may I have some more?” in Cantonese. It will be Tibet all over again, except this time Hoo Flung Dung will enslave Dolly Parton instead of the Dalai Lama! [Read the rest of this article...]
Ebenezer Balls, my beloved grandfather and mentor, made millions during the Great Depression by ignoring the suffering around him and keeping his eye keenly on the ball. He would often say that “the grave misfortune of one man results in the deal of a lifetime for another!” [Read the rest of this article...]
Which brings us to a man in desperate need of great marketing, a man who’s very name causes foaming at the mouth and gnashing of the teeth. Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, the shadowy extremist scheming to erect two gigantic marble sculptures of Osama Bin Laden to replace the twin towers, is in desperate need of a great adman! Balls International Industries, in return for drilling rights in choice Middle East locations, will be happy to cure the Imam’s ills with a bit of Balls marketing magic. [Read the rest of this article...]
The first order of business after the acquisition will be to shed the legion of overpaid union jackals that currently lose our letters and drain the taxpayer dry! They will be briskly kicked to the curb and replaced with a workforce of Balls International Industries team members from our plants in Bangladesh, Sudan, and North Korea. These thrifty young workhorses will be happy to pull seven twelve-hour-shifts per week for a bucket of rice and a trickle of running water! [Read the rest of this article...]
As workers are downsized and realize that meaningful employment options are extremely limited, they often look for external forces to hold accountable. Frustration leads to blame, blame leads to suspicion, suspicion leads to hatred, and hatred inevitably leads to violence. Unfortunately, innocent parties often end up being the targets of hate crimes during economic downturns. With domestic unemployment hovering near the ten percent mark and little indication of recovery in sight, It is critically important that we immediately take bold steps to protect the innocent. The innocent victims to which I am referring, of course, are our nation’s great corporations! [Read the rest of this article...]
Consider the possibilities! Balls International Industries will own approximately one-fifth of the world’s fresh surface water! Millions of new clients will have the pleasure of relying on my better nature for their drinking water! The shipping lanes will be bustling once again with cargo ships whisking payloads of PCBs and thalidomide in and out of our great ports! Our national quest for energy independence can finally be realized with rigorous oil exploration and drilling throughout these grand waters! [Read the rest of this article...]
My friends, it is in the best interest of our shareholders to increase enrollment and to lengthen the average stay at one of our facilities. The real sweet spot of our target market involves common crimes committed by common folk who can’t afford competent legal counsel. Our lobbying arm has done an outstanding job at influencing government lackeys to increase minimum mandatory sentences for theft, drugs, and other common offenses. What politician wants to be portrayed as “soft on crime” in a Balls-sponsored television commercial? If this industry continues to trend favorably, we envision a future where upwards of ten percent of the U.S. population are long-term guests in our pristine facilities! [Read the rest of this article...]
Dear Andrew, Balls is appalled by your merciless crucifixion in the media for the crime of airing one of America’s funniest home videos! Your wry sense of humor has been lost in the mock outrage of the hyenas fraudulently misrepresenting your story. After parsing the facts surrounding the case, I believe that Balls and Breitbart [Read the rest of this article...]
The temporary reprieve we have recently enjoyed from the maniacal spending on Capitol Hill came to a predictable and painful end today, when the leftys in charge swore in their newest embezzler! Newbie West Virginia Senator Carte Goodwin, aptly named since Democrats always put the spending cart in front of the fiscal horse, cast the vote to break a heroic Republican filibuster. [Read the rest of this article...]
