Balls International Industries

Our new facilities in Kyrgyzstan!

Balls International Industries is spreading the Balls magic around the globe! We love doing business in markets with reasonable labor costs!

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For Immediate Release:

Balls launched new operations in Kyrgyzstan!

No OSHA, no minimum wage hassles, no burdensome asbestos regulations! Send resume and references if you have no hour limitations, no allergies or heart conditions, can speak Kyrgyz, and don’t mind relocating to Tokmok!

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We are in the midst of some challenging economic times, primarily because a legion of low-income leaches deceived their way into row homes they simply did not deserve to own. That said, Balls International Industries is expanding yet again and we are looking for worthy team members. Be prepared to answer the following questions during our rigorous screening process:

  1. Can you lift at least 200 pounds?
  2. Do you have a high tolerance for pain?
  3. Do you mind wearing a collar and/or ankle monitor?
  4. Do you have any objection to corporal punishment?
  5. Would you be willing to relocate to Bangladesh, Myanmar, Siberia, or North Korea? If not, can you relocate to our on-site housing? Do you have any objections to multiple roommates and close quarters (are you a “people person” and are you claustrophobic}?
  6. Are you good at keeping secrets?
  7. If approached by 60 minutes or some other wretched lefty “news” program for an interview, would you allow Balls International Industries to appoint a representative in your place?
  8. Do you have an irrational fear of wading through sludge?
  9. Do you require “benefits”? If so, do you object to limiting your medical care to our in-house “doctors”?
  10. Most importantly, have you ever or will you ever belong to a union? If not, would you be willing to swear on the Balls family King James Bible to that effect?

If you feel you have the right stuff to join the Balls team, please contact us ASAP. My grandson Bleu, who has a real knack for interrogation, will be conducting interviews.

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General Purpose Stooge Needed:

Balls International Industries has an opening available for a stooge. Primary undercover role will be to infiltrate employee cliques and report back to management, but other misc. stooging is expected. The successful candidate will exude shiftiness, excel at backstabbing, and must be a natural liar. Time spent in prison a plus, but not required. Ability  to quickly make a shiv from a variety of materials a definite plus. There is significant potential upward mobility from this position! Most of our middle management team here at Balls began their careers as a stooge. Send resume and at least three references to Bleu’s attention.

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Wanted: Experienced Disciplinarian

Balls International Industries only does business in jurisdictions that permit corporal punishment in the workplace. As such, our rapidly growing workforce has necessitated the hiring of disciplinarians with experience in same. The successful candidate will be able to hold an employee down while the employee is learning and/or dispense the necessary training. Background in Catholicism a plus, but not required. Relocation package may be available if proficient in second language. A Performance Assessment rating of “Always Exceeds Expectations” opens the door to other positions in Human Resources! Send resume and at least three references to Bleu’s attention.

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Yes Men Needed

Do you have strong leadership capabilities? Are you willing to express your opinions regardless of the consequences? Do you routinely think out of the box to arrive at creative solutions to critical problems? If so, B. Thaddeus Balls does NOT want to hear from you!

Balls International Industries is looking for a few good yes men for our Board of Directors! You must be weak minded, lily-livered, easily brow-beaten, soulless, and prone to dirtying your trousers. The successful candidate will possess a milquetoast demeanor and deep-seated fear of authority. Must be quick to rubber-stamp ideas, swallow views of your own, and be eager to run personal errands for Mr. Balls. Must not be claustrophobic or be taking prescription heart medication. You will be interviewing extensively with Bleu, who will substantiate your complete and utter lack of resolve.

Balls International Industries is a worldwide leader in defense, oil, banking, pharmaceuticals, health insurance, auto manufacturing, behavior modification, and much more. We operate openly in Myanmar, Siberia, Iran, Bangladesh, and Arizona, and covertly in several undisclosed locations around the globe. We were voted one of the TOP 100 employers to work for in North Korea in 2009!

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Why We Must Take Appropriate “Austerity” Measures

An open letter to all Balls employees:

It is no secret that lefty countries like Greece, Spain, Portugal, and the U.S. are finally experiencing the consequences of their vicious and  irresponsible wealth redistribution practices. In spite of the continued attempts of these socialist fools to confiscate our hard-earned profits, I am proud to report that our firm has continued to thrive. However, our costs of doing business have been outpacing our growth in revenue. For example,

  1. Bribery (aka “lobbying” in the U.S.), a necessary cost of doing business, has become vastly more expensive. These public sector jackals apparently believe they can make amends for decades of their own fiscal mismanagement by robbing Balls blind;
  2. The cost of tasers and other productivity enhancers (including our proprietary water additive “workimax”) have doubled since we first embraced their use;
  3. The pack of hyenas representing us in an assortment of class action law suits are attempting to bleed us dry with their ticky-tacky legal fees;
  4. Currency exchange issues have materially impacted earnings. Our hedges against the North Korean Won and the Bangladeshi Taka have underperformed our expectations.

Therefore, we must take several necessary steps to offset these rising costs in order to maintain profitability for our beloved shareholders*. As of this Monday, the following “austerity measures” will go into effect:

  1. My father, in his brief and wholly unsuccessful tenure here as overlord, decided to dole out a vacation day to all Balls employees with at least 20 years of tenure with the firm. This slippery slope to socialism has had a significant adverse impact on productivity and must be revoked;
  2. My father also decided, at the height of his weakness, to construct a “break room” at each of our plants worldwide. These productivity-drains will be converted into “re-education rooms” for suspected union organizers;
  3. My grandson Bleu has discovered an opportunity in the ordinances of several of our jurisdictions that will allow us to circumvent the expensive treatment of waste released from our chemical plants. The chemicals in question are primarily steroids and will have nothing but positive impact on the growth of local fish and wildlife;
  4. Our Company Stooge Trainee Program, the most comprehensive of its kind, will no longer provide name badges to trainees. At Balls International Industries there is no I in team.

Always keep in mind that our primary reason for existence is to maximize profits for our beloved shareholders*! It is they who have invested the necessary capital for us to collectively prosper as an organization! It is they who depend on us to consistently provide adequate return on their investment! Let us never forget it. -Balls

*In interest of full disclosure, B Thaddeus Balls owns 99.6% of all Balls International Industries common stock.

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