Decision 2012: The GOP Candidates Stake Their Claims

The recent news that conservative luminaries Michelle Bachmann and Saint Rudy of 9/11 are considering runs for the Republican nomination in 2012 has got my juices flowing. Gone is the profound sense of burnout that “Decision 2010” and its 24 month buildup inflicted upon me. For who could remain jaded in the presence of the spiciest field in recent memory? To find the scope, scale, and sheer audacity in one bunch of candidates for national office as the Republicans now have, one would have to travel back in time…to say a European nation in the early 1930’s.

The Republican Party and the conservative movement have a long and proud history of intellectual prowess and policy nuance that has been utterly overthrown by the thuggish ignorance of a barbarian horde. William F. Buckley be damned, the only difficulty debating the average conservative politician today is keeping them on topic. The most common refrain for a conservative who has lost a point in rational debate is to dismiss the source material of his or her competitor. The Speaker of the House is now on record dismissing the black and white analysis of the Congressional Budget Office as “opinion”. It is clear that basic accounting and economic modelling is only accurate if it supports the policy goals of the political George Hamilton.

But why dwell on the rank ignorance of a once proud institution of our democracy, when we can focus instead on the pure comedy of those who Republican primary voters will have to choose a standard-bearer from in two years? It may be something like a NASCAR fan watching a wreck on the high oval, but what the heck!

So hear we go…live from the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California (if he is still conservative enough in two years time); its the first GOP Presidential Debate for the 2012 Primary! Take it away, Chris Wallace!

CW: With the main body of the Affordable Care Act implementation still two years away, would you push for its full repeal and, if so, what would you do to change the current paradigm of exploding health care costs?

Michelle Bachmann: I won’t push for ObamaCare’s repeal, it will be done…that’s a promise. As to the myth of exploding health care costs, that is just a story being pushed by the radicals in Congress and their friends in the liberal media. What is needed is an investigation into the un-American activities of Congressional Democrats, a flat tax on doctors, no taxes or regulations on our drug companies, and a return to Bible-based faith healing.

Sarah Palin: You betcha I will repeal Barack Hussein Obama’s Socialist agenda! The constitution doesn’t say anything about health care, because the rugged individualists who were our founding fathers had no need for big government health care. As to those “exploding costs”, our world class medical care today costs less than it did in 1980.

CW:Can you support that last statement, Governor Palin?

Sarah Palin: You betcha!

CW: OK, thank you (call me)

Rudy Giuliani: I think you have to understand the history of this debate before you decide on its future, and…of course I would have to veto the health care bill…

CW: Mayor Giuliani, it has already passed, you can’t veto it…

Rudy Giuliani: Oh of course, I would repeal it unilaterally. But back to the history…this has been a terribly divisive issue, pushed on the American people by the Democrats. In New York City, there was no problem with health care…if you got…uh…sick or injured, you just walked a few blocks to the hospital. But Clinton spent the years before 9/11, when I was fighting Islamic radicals in New York City, trying to push his vast health care agenda on the public instead of hunting terrorists. So really, health care reform is the reason for 9/11…thankfully George W. Bush was able to keep us safe after 9/11 because he wasn’t distracted by local issues like health care. President Obama’s insistence on focusing on health care is the reason the underwear bomber was almost successful, and this bill could cause another 9/11.

CW: Thank you Mayor…could someone get him some oxygen?

Ron Paul: We should abolish this health care law, abolish the Fed, and abolish small change and bills in favor of gold galleons, silver sickles, and bronze knuts.

CW: Uh, aren’t those currencies used in the Harry Potter novels and movies?

Ron Paul: Yes, and they worked well for the wizards, which is good enough for me!

Mitt Romney: Well Chris, as you know, I signed into law a health care package in Massachusetts that was very similar to the one that is now sending our great nation into the fiery pit of Satan. I was against health care before I was in favor of it, and now I am for health care although I oppose it. Incidentally, my experience saving the Salt Lake City Winter Olympiad from fiscal calamity and running a hedge fund tells me that the numbers some Democrats are quoting are just plain wrong.

CW: Which numbers are you referring to Governor Romney?

Mitt Romney: The numbers some Democrats are quoting Chris.

CW: OK, thank you…(call me)

Alan Keyes: B. Hussein Obama is a traitor to the black man, and a threat to America. I will roll back all of his initiatives, whatever they may be. We need to step away from entitlement and move back toward requirement. Thank you for your votes.

CW: Mr. Keyes, you have never received votes in a Republican primary, and it isn’t clear why you are here, other than to give Republicans ammunition when liberals call them bigots.

Alan Keyes: Thank you Chris for your acknowledgement and your vote.

Mike Huckabee: Christ doesn’t compel us to count on the government for our material support, He demands that we meet and pass the tests of this mortal realm on our own, and so be prepared for eternal glory. So I would say it is my faith that tells me this law was wrong, and I would have to work on its repeal. I do think that something ought to be done to help those poor and under-motivated who don’t receive good care, so I propose a tax credit for multi-national corporations and small businesses who do $1 million per year in gross revenue. It would consist of a 10% reduction on their payroll taxes (to be funded by a cut in Medicare payments), available to those companies in that group who donate at least $1,000 per year in free medical check-ups to qualified American citizens.

John Thune: Well Chris, as you know I was elected to the Senate because the good people of South Dakota rejected the tax and spend health care notions of Tom Daschle, and I would not under any circumstances allow those practices to continue under my watch. It is clear to me that America needs a return to sound conservative values, a reduction on crippling regulations, and real tax relief for job-creating businesses.

CW: Thank you Senator, perhaps you would care to comment on carbon regulation?

John Thune: Certainly Chris; as you know I was elected to the Senate because the good people of South Dakota rejected the tax and spend energy notions of Tom Daschle, and I would not under any circumstances allow those practices to continue under my watch. It is clear to me that America needs a return to sound conservative values, a reduction on crippling regulations, and real tax relief for job-creating businesses.

CW: You are on a roll Senator, would you comment on education?

John Thune: Absolutely, and you are too kind Chris: as you know I was elected to the Senate because the good people of South Dakota rejected the tax and spend education notions of Tom Daschle, and I would not under any circumstances allow those practices to continue under my watch. It is clear to me that America needs a return to sound conservative values, a reduction on crippling regulations, and real tax relief for job-creating businesses.

CW: Great, well, I am sorry to say we are all out of time. Tim Pawlenty, Paul Ryan, and Eric Cantor will have to save their comments on this topic for our nightly Fox News segment; Where Your Presidential Candidates Stand. Tune in this week, and good night America!

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Animated Balls: Election 2012

Episode 1: It's Hard to Choose Just One

Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

Episode 5: Newt is Forgiven

Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

Episode 7: Why We Must Elect Rick!

Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

Episode 9: Santorum & Obamaville

Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

Episode 12: Austerity and Obama's Debt!

Episode 13: From My Cold, Dead Hands!

Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

Episode 16: Mitt & Me; 2 Peas in a Pod!

Episode 17: Mitt and the 47%

Episode 18: The PA Voter ID Law

Episode 19: The Boss is Running!

Episode 20: Benghazi Has Legs

Episode 21: Grover, the NRA, and the GOP

Animated Balls: A New Frontier!

Piers Morgan & the White House Conspire Against Alex Jones!

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