Ballsy Predictions for 2011

Balls shares ten ironclad predictions for 2011.

‘Tis the season when normally rational people pay attention to predictions from halfwit “psychics” they would normally cross the street to avoid. Even reputable periodicals carry stories showcasing the prognostications of individuals who would most certainly be included in the first round of layoffs from any self-respecting carnival. Perhaps we can thin the herd of these aspiring weight-guessers by embracing the Old Testament advice of stoning prophets when their predictions fail to come to pass.

Of course, enough of these vagaries inevitably come true to justify the miserable exercise again the following year. “A famous politician will die in an aviation accident in 2010” is considered to be fulfilled if some County clerk from Arkansas happens to choke on a pork chop while taking the redeye to Branson. A prediction of “ecological disaster” is checked off the list when a three-year-old in Peoria pees in the community pool, and so on. The fact that America is filled with ritalin-addicted layabouts who possess neither a memory span of greater than ten minutes nor the rigor needed to Google predictions from the prior year serves to grease the wheels of the entire enterprise.

Balls, on the other hand, will here publish a list of specific, measurable predictions for 2011 and encourage readers to monitor progress throughout the New Year. If any of my predictions fail to come to pass I will stage a public stoning on the grounds of the Balls estate, much to the delight of my many enemies around the globe. I promise that the highly hyped pay-per-view stoning, should it take place, will also manage to somehow materially marginalize the city of Cleveland. Here are ten predictions guaranteed to come to pass in 2011:

  1. The Angel, the Mormon, and the Preacher will fall by the wayside in 2011 and give way to a relatively unknown business-friendly conservative as the front-runner for the GOP Presidential candidacy in 2012. This individual will owe a very substantial debt to yours truly.
  2. In 2011, FOX News will be accused of being biased by delusional left-wing conspiracy crackpots.
  3. Capitalism will continue to spread like wildfire around the globe, simply because people tend to act in their own economic self-interest. Balls International Industries will break ground in northern Pakistan and Cuba to spread the good news. Soon Abdul and Pedro will be plotting to buy a pair of True Religion jeans rather than plotting the total destruction of the United States.
  4. Even those most profoundly harmed by deep Federal, State, and Local spending cuts will join the throng calling for fiscal restraint and austerity measures. A healthy dose of Balls marketing magic will cause the final holdout – a deaf, dumb and blind African-American senior citizen in Washington DC known as “Slim” to his few friends, possessing nary an income nor a tooth – to carry a placard calling to privatize Social Security at a Tea Party Express rally.
  5. The great unwashed, after hearing about a friend of a friend who made a few shekels from the sharp rise in the S&P 500 in 2009 and 2010, will plow back into equities by mid-2011. The market will crash shortly afterwards.
  6. Arch-liberal celebrities will begin adopting polar bear cubs as pets to heighten awareness of global warming. Deaths in Hollywood from polar bear maulings will skyrocket.
  7. Unemployment in the U.S. will dip below the 8% mark when the 99ers realize they are competing not against one another for jobs, but against the billions around the globe who are happy to work their fingers to the bone for a dollar a day.
  8. In his desperate tack to the center, President Obama will briefly consider adding moderate statesman Newt Gingrich to his inner circle of advisors.
  9. Large mortgage companies will finally get a break from the harsh regulatory red tape surrounding the foreclosure process. The Supreme Court will move to allow foreclosures with no documentation other than a handwritten post-it note.
  10. A new sport will rise sharply in popularity in the U.S in 2011. The sport will feature the same bone-breaking violence found in MMA, but not require any tedious training, discipline, or long-term commitment.

There you have it. -Balls

Reader Feedback

One Response to “Ballsy Predictions for 2011”

  • Mike Schroeder says:

    Great predictions! I had to laugh out loud at #8 because it’s so absurd.

    #9 will never happen. The government never deregulates anything.

    #2 has already happened (and has been happening for the last several years).

    I hope #6 comes true. There are too many liberal celebrities.

    I got a good laugh out of most of them.

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