An Open Letter to Julian Assange from B Thaddeus Balls

A future Balls staffer if he plays his cards right!

Dear Mr. Assange:

Balls is deeply impressed with your Wikileaks work, and believes that you could be quite an asset to our firm. From the looks of it, you could steal every secret of every competitor we have, right down to the number of niblets in the stool of a competing CEO! The stooges employed by Balls International Industries have engaged in their fair share of corporate espionage, and Balls himself has extorted a pant-load of inside information over the years, but you make us all look like pikers! Rest assured, my friend, that a lucrative position awaits you at our firm should you decide one day to become gainfully employed.

A cursory reading of your latest work reaffirms my fervent belief that governments around the world are populated with hordes of nitwits plucked from the unhappy end of the bell curve. Now these nitwits, particularly those of American persuasion, are mad as hornets and determined to bring your spying days to a swift and painful ending. Take comfort in knowing that their full fervor and resources have been directed at finding a 6’5” dialysis patient for the last nine years with nary a trace of success!

My friend, I do take issue with you on one account. Leaking a few emails penned by second-string diplomats may be all well and good, but we truly need to draw the line at leaking any sensitive documents that may prove to be damaging to our great corporations. After all, America’s business is business, and making private corporate memos public is not going to win any brownie points among consumers during this critical Holiday season. We certainly don’t need Joe Lunchpale second-guessing his choice of a “dispersant-free” shrimp cocktail from the Gulf, or Suzie Sixpack revisiting the reasons why her 401(k) was tapped by our innovative Hedge Fund friends. Let’s agree to let sleeping dogs lie.

However, should you decide to leak documents that prove to be detrimental to my firm or those of my close acquaintances, please know that the individuals hunting you down will not be the lot of village idiots punching the clock for the public sector. On the contrary, the speed of your apprehension, extradition, and imprisonment will stun the whole lot of your hipster hooligan friends! Also, I wouldn’t anticipate some cushy, country club prison camp typically reserved for white collar scamps like Michael Milken and Tom Delay. A special place in Hell will be reserved for you should you make the unfortunate choice to cross the wrong line in the sand.


B Thaddeus Balls

President & CEO

Balls International Industries

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