A Friendly Reminder to my Tea Party Victors

Balls spent more than a few shekels to evict the last pack of spendthrift jackals from Congress, and the ad spend produced banner results. No longer will stealing from the Balls estate be the answer to every fiscal problem facing our once proud republic! No longer will the Speaker of the House spew hate speech about our nation’s battered CEOs! Business leaders can once again venture outside without the fear of being spat upon by the great unwashed! Yes, my friends, the glorious wave of Tea Party victory has ushered in a new era of freedom, happiness, and civil liberties for Balls and his closest friends!

To my newly elected Tea Party minions, Balls offers a word of caution. It will be tempting  for you to believe that it was your razor-sharp wit and extraordinary good looks that earned your seats in the hallowed chambers of Congress. Nothing could be further from the truth! On the contrary, my friends, you were elected solely because Balls and a handful of friends chose to bankroll your campaigns with the reasonable expectation of a healthy return on our investment! While Balls at times has donated vast sums of money to worthy charities in the past completely out of philanthropic motives, this is most certainly not one of those times. In other words, the time has come for Balls to extract his pound of flesh.

My marching orders for you are rather simple and easy to understand, even for the less cerebral among you. Job one will be to permanently extend the Bush tax cuts for those making above 250k per year, until we transition to a flat tax of no more than ten percent. You must not waiver or compromise on this point. When pressed about the resulting expansion of the already obscenely bloated deficit, reiterate the fact that 99.9% of all people making more than $250,000 per year are small business owners (like yours truly), and 99.9% of all jobs are created by small businesses. Remember to use the words “job-killer” and “non-starter” whenever some wild-eyed liberal asks about raising taxes on the wealthy.

Anecdotal evidence also suggests passionate and near unanimous support among your constituents for ending the hated “death tax”. Wipe a tear from your eye and spin the tale of a ragtag gaggle of dirt farmers back home who were forced to live in the old family pickup because of the overwhelming tax burden hoisted upon them when Ma and Pa passed on. They, along with a host of other grieving, salt-of-the-earth sadsacks are forced to sell everything in order to stave off the IRS wolves at their door. Never, never use the term “estate tax”.

When your first two objectives have been accomplished, Balls will schedule a conference call to communicate the details regarding your next mandates: ending all burdensome regulation on business, eliminating taxes on corporations, opening up a flood of cheap labor from south of the border, expanding tax breaks for building new plants overseas, doing away with the minimum wage, gutting Social Security, ending Medicare and Medicaid, and opening up a new front (or two) in the war on terror. If you earnestly and faithfully follow these orders in a timely manner, Balls & friends will be absolutely delighted to finance your re-election. In the meantime, follow the sage advice of not biting the hand that feeds you. -Balls

Leave a Reply

Animated Balls: Election 2012

Episode 1: It's Hard to Choose Just One

Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

Episode 5: Newt is Forgiven

Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

Episode 7: Why We Must Elect Rick!

Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

Episode 9: Santorum & Obamaville

Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

Episode 12: Austerity and Obama's Debt!

Episode 13: From My Cold, Dead Hands!

Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

Episode 16: Mitt & Me; 2 Peas in a Pod!

Episode 17: Mitt and the 47%

Episode 18: The PA Voter ID Law

Episode 19: The Boss is Running!

Episode 20: Benghazi Has Legs

Episode 21: Grover, the NRA, and the GOP

Animated Balls: A New Frontier!

Piers Morgan & the White House Conspire Against Alex Jones!

Affiliated Sites