High Unemployment is a Good Thing, Indeed!

Balls believes that high unemployment is being unfairly portrayed in the media!

Half-wit economists have been running around with their hair on fire screaming bloody murder simply because of the high unemployment rate persisting among the great unwashed. These delusional nerds are acting as if their Dr. Who program had been temporarily interrupted with a football game! In spite of the misleading rubbish being passed off by “scholars” and the unappealing smell of desperation emanating from the masses, high unemployment rates are actually quite pleasant!

Business leaders and shrewd investors understand that profits are the lifeblood of our economy, and also that labor costs are the insatiable vampire draining that lifeblood. When businesses are able to produce the same volume of goods and services while employing fewer drones, it’s a win-win! Why do you think our inbred brethren below the Mason-Dixon line fought tooth and nail to keep slavery in place? There’s nothing like free labor to juice the bottom line!

Speaking of producing goods and services more efficiently, there’s no greater motivation to work harder than watching your fellow slacker clear out his desk and take the walk of shame out to the employee parking lot! The most flowery speech from the greatest motivational speaker on the planet could never achieve the same bump in production from the remaining workers! It’s a glorious spectacle to behold when the assembly line doesn’t slow down a smidgen even though half of the jackals running it have been sent packing.

When the rare job opening does happen to arise at Balls International Industries, high unemployment rates produce a much higher quality sadsack applying for the position. Our former applicants consisted of wave upon wave of Facebook-trolling, Adderall-swilling mouth-breathers with nary a trace of work ethic among them. My Grandson Bleu, who typically conducts the interviews in our interrogation room, has informed me that we now routinely have MBAs applying for even the lowliest of positions at our facilities! Many of these newly humbled blokes possess both the humility to mop the floors and the know-how to deceive even the cagiest of SEC auditors.

However, even with all of the goodness that comes with ferociously high unemployment rates, there is one fly in the ointment. Good money is being thrown away on unemployment benefits, and now our big-government cronies want to provide free health care to this miserable army of the undead! Does anyone truly believe that Johnny Slacker will voluntarily put down his video game controller to seek gainful employment when the government is doing its level best to keep him on the dole? My friends, the only way to motivate Johnny to hit the pavement is to pay nary a thin dime in benefits! Hunger can cultivate work ethic in even the most desolate of spirits. -Balls

Reader Feedback

4 Responses to “High Unemployment is a Good Thing, Indeed!”

  • B.T. Balls says:

    Nick – you are correct. Technology does not require benefits, is never late for work, never whines about working evenings and weekends, is not covered by ADA and FMLA, and never makes eye contact with superiors.

  • B.T. Balls says:

    Michael, businesses used to be devastated by lack of demand due to high unemployment among American consumers. At Balls International Industries, our labor force is primarily in third world countries and our products are mostly sold to the emerging middle class in rapidly developing countries. The U.S. is becoming less relevant every day. Hopefully the Tea Party Patriots in Congress will repeal the minimum wage so the U.S. labor force can compete once again!

  • Michael Chase says:

    Right to the point as usual B.T. We can only raise our glasses in hope that enough drones remain employed at a living wage so as to purchase your wares and keep the profits coming. Has anyone suggested Presumptive Speaker Boehner’s tanning bed to you? Your portrait makes you look peaky. I am sure he wouldn’t mind sharing…

  • nick says:

    well duhhh! Corporations just spent years dumping billions of dollars into technology so they could increase production while reducing human workforce. This is one of the many obvious truths the mainstream media is oblivious to.

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Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

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