Running Government Like a Business! Part 2

In a world where change seems to be the only constant, few principles have proven to be universally sound and timeless regardless of culture or circumstance. Balls proposes that you can always take the following three eternal and incorruptible truths to the bank:

  1. When left pure and unencumbered by regulation, the free market is breathtakingly efficient, divinely just, and the absolute greatest and most reliable wealth-producing mechanism ever known to man.
  2. Government regulation, particularly any attempts to reign in the divinity of the free market, is the enemy of the private sector.
  3. Any attempts to combine or commingle the private and public sectors amounts to nothing less than blasphemy and unforgivable miscegenation.

Any twit falling asleep in line at the DMV can provide a cursory summary of the above truths, albeit in unintelligible grunts. However, the most compelling evidence for the complete separation of the public and private sectors can be found by sifting through the wreckage left behind by the evil twins of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. These organizations were established for the sole purpose of allowing layabouts and ne’er-do-wells to squat temporarily in standard housing until the good lender was forced to foreclose! This unholy union between government and the private sector was the sole reason for the worldwide cataclysmic crash of 2008. Unfortunately, several of my hard-working banker friends were victimized by this sordid government experiment in social engineering.

There is no sin in renting, my friends – nothing to be ashamed of at all! In fact, God hath preordained some to own and others to rent.  Regrettably, the leadership of the Democratic National Committee believes that all comrades deserve a white house and picket fence, regardless of their ability and/or desire to make their first mortgage payment! Even more insidious, the DNC blesses the extortion of money from hardworking taxpayers to bailout the morally bankrupt lot who are “walking away” from their sacred obligations.

Consider the following scenario: An unemployed slacker in his 30s gropes his way out of his mother’s basement and stumbles down to the local bank to request funding for the purchase of his dream home. When asked by the banker about income, a puzzled look comes across the slacker’s face. “Isn’t home ownership a right?”, he asks the banker. The slacker provides a list of personal assets: a Burning Man T-Shirt, a broken Playstation 2, and a worn-out bong. When pressed for how he plans to make his mortgage payments, the slacker mutters something about needing his own space and getting his old part-time job back at the local Jiffy Lube.  After slacker boy requests cash out at settlement, our astute banker friend chuckles and prepares to let the young man down gently. However, as soon as the word “No” forms on the banker’s lips he receives an urgent call from Nancy Pelosi, demanding that he make the loan! Even worse, she insists that the banker’s income tax dollars be funneled to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac when slacker boy defaults! This is the kind of madness that ensues when the government attempts to regulate the free markets.

My friends, many acquaintances of mine were forced to layoff crew members from their yachts solely because of this heinous government interference! First hard-working bankers were forced to make loans to bankrupt slackers, and now my friends who own Health Insurance companies (a small percentage of revenue for Balls International Industries) have been forced to insure every miscreant with a bloody stool and a hacking cough! What’s next? Government-subsidized caviar and champagne for the homeless?

Balls says the time has come for a Commander-in-Chief with a healthy dose of business acumen and a keen eye for cost-cutting. The first order of business will be to abolish Fannie and Freddie to return some sanity to our banking practices. After that is accomplished we can proceed with handing out pink slips to the vast sea of government drones. Happy days could be here again soon! -Balls

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Animated Balls: Election 2012

Episode 1: It's Hard to Choose Just One

Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

Episode 5: Newt is Forgiven

Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

Episode 7: Why We Must Elect Rick!

Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

Episode 9: Santorum & Obamaville

Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

Episode 12: Austerity and Obama's Debt!

Episode 13: From My Cold, Dead Hands!

Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

Episode 16: Mitt & Me; 2 Peas in a Pod!

Episode 17: Mitt and the 47%

Episode 18: The PA Voter ID Law

Episode 19: The Boss is Running!

Episode 20: Benghazi Has Legs

Episode 21: Grover, the NRA, and the GOP

Animated Balls: A New Frontier!

Piers Morgan & the White House Conspire Against Alex Jones!

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