Running Government Like a Business! Part 1

A good man for the job!

The pansies in this administration know as much about running a business as Balls knows about community organizing! Not one of these jokers has ever met a payroll, measured return on investment, or outsourced operations to a third world hellhole to juice quarterly earnings. Now that this crowd has had their turn at playing house, we need an uncompromising new leader from the business community to take back our country – a CEO with the guts to step up to the plate, get our house in order, and cut spending to the bone!

Our new tough-minded CEO will need to closely examine each business unit, in this case each department of the Federal government, to determine whether it yields a positive return on investment. If not, it must be either eliminated or outsourced to the glorious private sector! Toss the Department of the Interior on to the trash heap! Pull the plug on the SEC, OSHA, EPA, and the odorous Department of Labor! These bloodless bureaucrats are nothing but a thorn in the side of our great companies. If any one of these hyenas were to seek seed money from private equity they would be thrown out on their ears!

Our new CEO must also get rid of the dead wood that’s draining the dwindling assets of this once great nation. Part of rightsizing the budget will entail a thorough performance assessment of each and every bottom-feeder who suckles at the taxpayer teat. Citizens found to be lacking will be “fired”, which will entail an abrupt end to all entitlements along with, if necessary, relocation to one of our subsidiary nations. This will open up vast opportunities for truly hardworking corkers from less fortunate corners of the globe, who would be thrilled to put in an honest day’s work for a mere pittance with no expectation of government handouts! Can you imagine the transformative power of replacing an entire gaggle of whining, unemployed layabouts with a fresh-faced force of eager, hungry laborers?

Not all spending can be cut, of course, since there are some government expenditures that are both absolutely necessary and blessed by our forefathers. For example, subsidies to our great oil companies are an essential part of any comprehensive energy policy. The minor sum extracted from taxpayers helps small energy concerns like Exxon Mobile and Balls International Industries to remain competitive with Achmed and his cronies! Subsidies to small farmers (aka “factory farms” to lefties) are also necessary, given that no Congressman in his right mind wants to be be perceived as kicking Willie Nelson and his ilk off the family farm. Finally, defense spending can absolutely not be cut, since the aforementioned Achmed is waiting at our border to plant IEDs up and down Wall Street and Main Street. A cut in defense spending would also mean a loss of jobs, which are more rare these days than a capitalist in this administration! We simply can not afford to cut one red cent from the defense budget, even if a handful of the weapons systems now being produced haven’t been “state of the art” since Balls was in diapers.

My friends, rational organizations can be expected to cater to the wishes of their largest and best clientele. This administration consistently treats its’ best clients like rented mules, and instead spends their rapidly waning time in office fawning all over the squeegee crowd! Many of us held our noses during the last election cycle and threw large sums of money at the Obama political machine, naturally anticipating some form of return on our investment. Even the simplest of potentates in the grimmest of third world slums knows how to return a favor! However, the jackals in this administration don’t seem to grasp the most basic ground rules of tit for tat. Our newly installed CEO will understand who butters his bread, and put an end to the vicious bashing of his top benefactors.

Let us no longer wallow in the valley of despair, my friends. Although we face pernicious entitlement programs today and crushing deficits tomorrow, Balls still has a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. Balls has a dream! Balls has a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “The business of America is business.” -Balls

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3 Responses to “Running Government Like a Business! Part 1”

  • Carl Chick says:

    What utter nonsense! Time and time again, it has been proven that at the end of the day you cannot, and should not, run a government like a business. A fundamental examination of the different intended outcomes of each validate this point. Business is chartered to be fiscally solvent and provide a profit, or pay-back to it’s investors. This is not even close to the charter of government.

  • B.T. Balls says:

    What a delightful young lady! You obviously have a good head on your shoulders, although you aren’t the first to encourage Balls to throw his hat into the ring. Alas, at my advancing age I must settle for bribery, vicious anonymous attacks, and training mindless puppets to say “how high” when I tell them to jump. I only take issue with one word in your endearing comment, my dear: “unrecognized”.

  • Kendra says:

    Once again you have taken an overwhelming problem and boiled it down to its basic and most fundamental elements. I couldn’t agree more with your assessment of our current political climate. You are truly an unrecognized genius. May I be the first to say that you will be an excellent choice for CEO of America. You’d whip this nation into shape in a matter of months. Balls for President 2012. You would have my vote!

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Animated Balls: Election 2012

Episode 1: It's Hard to Choose Just One

Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

Episode 5: Newt is Forgiven

Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

Episode 7: Why We Must Elect Rick!

Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

Episode 9: Santorum & Obamaville

Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

Episode 12: Austerity and Obama's Debt!

Episode 13: From My Cold, Dead Hands!

Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

Episode 16: Mitt & Me; 2 Peas in a Pod!

Episode 17: Mitt and the 47%

Episode 18: The PA Voter ID Law

Episode 19: The Boss is Running!

Episode 20: Benghazi Has Legs

Episode 21: Grover, the NRA, and the GOP

Animated Balls: A New Frontier!

Piers Morgan & the White House Conspire Against Alex Jones!

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