Avoiding Chinese Enslavement

What passes for fiscal policy these days is overpaying for old used cars and incentivizing unemployed ne’er-do-wells to stop looking for jobs. How do the hacks in this administration pay for these pernicious programs? By borrowing trillions from Chinese loan sharks! This administration’s unquenchable thirst for credit will surely lead to our collective ruin!

When a few payments are skipped on the family wagon, the bank sends the repo men to snatch it from your driveway. When a year or two of income taxes are ignored or forgotten, the IRS freezes your checking account and attaches your wages. What will happen when our formerly great country defaults on the trillions we owe to our Chinese masters? One of two frightening scenarios will unfold, my friends, and neither is remotely appealing.

First, we may be able to keep the dragon from the door by printing dollars around the clock. The inevitable result would be a worthless currency that leads to hyperinflation, with a loaf of bread costing a small fortune. Of course, the devaluation of the dollar will probably strengthen the relative value of the Yuan, so our Chinese overlords will be able to afford to buy up all of roundeye’s land, buildings, and possessions!

In the second scenario, the Chinese military will sweep across our land like a vast swarm of locusts, subjugating us as slaves until we work off our debt. Kill a million of these Asian warriors and they’ll send ten million more in their place! You thought a few Spanish signs in Miami were an imposition? English will soon be relegated to the second or third most common language in the former United States, and may be entirely forgotten by your great grandchildren. Get used to asking “please, sir, may I have some more?” in Cantonese. It will be Tibet all over again, except this time Hoo Flung Dung will enslave Dolly Parton instead of the Dalai Lama!

Can anything be done to prevent these atrocities from occurring? Time is running out, but a few critical steps must be taken to avert certain disaster. First, we must extend the Bush tax cuts, but only for individuals making more than 200k per year and couples making more than 250k per year. The entrepreneurs in this income range are true engines of job creation, and thus need to be rewarded for their success! The fact that many of the jobs that have been created are actually in China should help shield these elite Americans from Chin’s harsh treatment in the event of a hostile takeover.

Second, in order to compete with our Chinese counterparts, we must eliminate environmental regulations altogether! Tree-huggers themselves must become extinct. Chinese corporations don’t think twice about dumping barrels of sulfuric acid right into the drinking water! American corporations can not compete if we are forced to waste even one penny on preserving “endangered species” or stopping the mythic “global warming”. To the contrary, species that cannot survive an unregulated free market do not deserve to survive!

Finally, the American people need to learn how to sacrifice once again. A great deal of the debt we incur as a nation is due to unsustainable programs like Social Security, Medicare, and Welfare. Eliminate these programs entirely and we can finally end our wretched dependency on foreign moneylenders! It will be in our best interests to continue corporate subsidies, of course, but these expenses are negligible compared to the cost of feeding the “will work for food” crowd and buying a new hip for every granny in the country. There may be some sniveling here and some whimpering there as the cutbacks are phased in over an ample timeframe (ten business days), but we can simply no longer afford to spend money that we do not have. As Napolean Hill once said, “great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice”. -Balls

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Animated Balls: Election 2012

Episode 1: It's Hard to Choose Just One

Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

Episode 5: Newt is Forgiven

Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

Episode 7: Why We Must Elect Rick!

Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

Episode 9: Santorum & Obamaville

Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

Episode 12: Austerity and Obama's Debt!

Episode 13: From My Cold, Dead Hands!

Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

Episode 16: Mitt & Me; 2 Peas in a Pod!

Episode 17: Mitt and the 47%

Episode 18: The PA Voter ID Law

Episode 19: The Boss is Running!

Episode 20: Benghazi Has Legs

Episode 21: Grover, the NRA, and the GOP

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