Turning Tragedy Into Treasure

The savvy investor is always ready to pounce when presented with the golden opportunity to turn tragedy into treasure! One can become absurdly wealthy by understanding and embracing the universal truths of supply and demand, of scarcity and value. A man lost in the desert may gladly pay thousands of dollars for a glass of lukewarm tap water, while another man doesn’t think twice about using hundreds of gallons of water to sprinkle his lawn! Thank God that there are no shortages of opportunities to exploit in this wonderful world in which we live!

It may sound morbid to the naive, but the ability to understand and foresee the economic ramifications of catastrophic events is truly as good as gold. Ebenezer Balls, my beloved grandfather and mentor, made millions during the Great Depression by ignoring the suffering around him and keeping his eye keenly on the ball. He would often say that “the grave misfortune of one man results in the deal of a lifetime for another!” Grandfather snatched up vast tracts of land, foreclosed homes, and bankrupt businesses  across the U.S. for mere pennies on the dollar. I have many fond memories of sitting on his lap as a young boy, listening intently as he gleefully recounted tales of fortunes won and the lesser men who lost them. Fortunately, the ability to turn tragedy into treasure is deeply embedded in the Balls DNA.

While the bleeding hearts were shedding crocodile tears over Katrina, Balls International Industries was selling high-quality mobile homes to Uncle Sam to house the displaced masses! While Bono was singing Kumbaya for the Indonesian Tsunami victims, Balls was churning out drywall at our facilities in Shenzen for the rebuilding efforts! Although planning and business acumen are the primary tools of our trade, there are times that our success must be attributed to divine intervention. We had been sitting on thousands of barrels of mustard gas for decades (just in case), and were investigating various low-cost disposal options. When the Deepwater Horizon accident resulted in the heartbreaking loss of sweet Louisiana crude, our marketing folks were able to convince the coast guard to use the entire stock of mustard gas to disperse the oil! The resulting profits will easily boost our Q2 earnings by a full penny per share!

My friends, do not fall into the trap of reacting to disasters with predictable feelings and sentiments as do the great unwashed. Instead, analyze the situation as if you are predicting the frequency and magnitude of ripples caused by a pebble piercing the surface of the water. What are the likely outcomes of the “horrific” event? Ask not what you can do for your countrymen in times of great peril, but instead ask how you might profit from their misfortunes! Do so and you can truly find great wealth. -Balls

Leave a Reply

Animated Balls: Election 2012

Episode 1: It's Hard to Choose Just One

Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

Episode 5: Newt is Forgiven

Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

Episode 7: Why We Must Elect Rick!

Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

Episode 9: Santorum & Obamaville

Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

Episode 12: Austerity and Obama's Debt!

Episode 13: From My Cold, Dead Hands!

Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

Episode 16: Mitt & Me; 2 Peas in a Pod!

Episode 17: Mitt and the 47%

Episode 18: The PA Voter ID Law

Episode 19: The Boss is Running!

Episode 20: Benghazi Has Legs

Episode 21: Grover, the NRA, and the GOP

Animated Balls: A New Frontier!

Piers Morgan & the White House Conspire Against Alex Jones!

Affiliated Sites

Archives