Feisal Goes Western

Marketing prowess is not typically associated with religion, but rabbis, priests, and imams are all in dire need of good admen. Consider the current state of Catholicism. If a good chunk of the management team at Coca Cola, Ford or IBM had been proven to be child molesters and had subsequently systematically covered up the atrocities, would any of them still be in business today? Not a chance, but the Catholic church continues to grow around the world. How do they do it? It’s simply splendid marketing, paid for by wonderfully tax-free tithes and offerings.  Great marketing can truly cover a multitude of sins.

The Mormon church is another marketing marvel. With a belief structure that makes X-Men seem like a Ken Burns documentary, coupled with a history of marrying off fourteen-year-old girls to old men, you would think that Mormons would routinely be run out of town on a rail. Who would have thought a Mormon could possibly become one of the top talking heads on television, or even a top GOP Presidential candidate? Verily, verily I say unto thee, great marketing truly does cover a multitude of sins.

Which brings us to a man in desperate need of great marketing, a man who’s very name causes foaming at the mouth and gnashing of the teeth. Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, the shadowy extremist scheming to erect two gigantic marble sculptures of Osama Bin Laden to replace the twin towers, is in desperate need of a great adman! Balls International Industries, in return for drilling rights in choice Middle East locations, will be happy to cure the Imam’s ills with a bit of Balls marketing magic.

First off, we’ll need a name change. Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf rolls off the American tongue about as nicely as Joran Andreas Petrus van der Sloot. Rauf is close enough to Ralph that it wouldn’t be awfully offensive if used as a first name. Couple Rauf with any number of likable last names and you immediately curry favor with the unhappy end of the bell curve: Macchio, Malph, Wiggum, Kramden, etc. Add any of these surnames to Rauf and you have instant associations with a beloved American goof who’s about as threatening as the French Army!  Finally, drop the Imam handle in favor of “Father”. Who would ever hit the streets en masse to protest against Father Rauf Kramden?

Next, adherents to Islam need to refrain from stoning the ladies, even if they had it coming! My instincts tell me that Achmed can find an alternative source of entertainment for the family on Friday evenings, perhaps miniature golf (unlimited sand traps) or pinochle. Burying a woman up to her shoulders and having a crowd throw large stones at her head is a bit much for Americans to swallow, even for the Saw 3D crowd. To quell the heinous sin of sex outside of marriage, Balls recommends a more internationally endearing punishment. Consider either a dunk tank or, as we do it in the west, losing half of all one’s belongings.

Finally, let’s encourage little Muslim tykes to take up a few new hobbies. It is an impressive skill to be able to assemble a pipe bomb out of whatever happens to be laying about the house, but the western world would breathe a bit easier if little Abdul and  Hussain were playing with baseballs and frisbees instead of IEDs. Nonetheless, Balls could use a few of these young pranksters in labor negotiations, and will consider offering a handful of internships in the near future.

The Balls admen will also reinforce the bitter truth that an affront to one religion today will inevitably become an affront to another tomorrow. The aforementioned chubby, weepy Mormon talking head should be keenly aware of this before mobilizing his half-wit, morbidly obese audience to carry their comically misspelled protest signs. Perhaps the next controversy will involve a ban on building new Mormon temples anywhere near elementary schools, due to the alleged Mormon proclivity for recruiting youthful brides for their elders. One could also make a strong case that Catholic priests should be banned from any school zone!

Balls hopes that the future Father Rauf Kramden seriously considers this generous offer. The Balls admen currently have their plates full with a long list of rehab projects, including Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Ben Roethlisberger, Kim Jong Il, Sharron Angle, and Dr. Laura. However, this case could be moved to the top of the pile, in the hope that Balls will no longer have to endure listening to clueless imbeciles rambling on endlessly about my future client. -Balls

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