The Balls International Postal Service
The Balls Fleet!
I love the smell of bankruptcy in the morning! It smells like opportunity! Assets across this great land are being pawned off for pennies on the dollar. Individuals, businesses, and governments are unloading property like a crack addict selling grandma’s TV! The dark and dour cloud of economic doom sweeping across the plains surely has a silver lining, at least for those with deep pockets and an eye for value. At this point Balls could probably buy the great state of California for thirty dollars and a box of manure!
However, due diligence is a must when separating the treasure from the trash. One of the tattered treasures that has recently attracted Balls’ interest is the U.S. Postal Service. The bottom line is, shockingly enough, that the public sector has run this historic endeavor into the gutter! The USPS lost 3.5 BILLION dollars in the third quarter of this fiscal year alone. Bleeding a billion dollars a month is piss-poor even for government work! The time has finally come for the private sector to take charge of our postal service and run it like a true business.
Why would Balls want to take custody of such a train wreck? The publicity for Balls International Industries would be priceless! The vast fleet of Balls vans would become mobile billboards careening along every highway and byway, each serving as an ambassador of good will to the great unwashed. Merely broaching the subject with my VP of marketing brought a lump to his throat and a tear to his jaundiced eye! Of course, each package, letter, postcard, and stamp (beginning with the Ebenezer Balls collectibles) also offers a premium marketing opportunity.
The first order of business after the acquisition will be to shed the legion of overpaid union jackals that currently lose our letters and drain the taxpayer dry! They will be briskly kicked to the curb and replaced with a workforce of Balls International Industries team members from our plants in Bangladesh, Sudan, and North Korea. These thrifty young workhorses will be happy to pull seven twelve-hour-shifts per week for a bucket of rice and a trickle of running water! Not only will our labor costs be ninety five percent lower than the USPS, but we will benefit from a number of tax incentives associated with employing temporary foreign workers!
The icing on the cake is the mother lode of sensitive information that will soon be in the care, custody, and control of yours truly. Consider the possibilities! Balls could have unlimited access to the business and personal correspondence of any and all competitors! We could also harvest all kinds of actionable intelligence regarding hundreds of millions of potential clients. Tax day (April 15 for the slackers out there) would be a real bonanza, with enough sensitive financial data to choke a horse! But rest assured, Balls International Industries understands that your privacy is important, and therefore we will only use this information for the betterment of the firm and our shareholders. -Balls
P.S. Who better to answer letters to Santa than Balls himself?
