A Unique Acquisition

Property of Balls International Industries!

Balls International Industries, a small family-owned business, is on the verge of consummating the greatest deal in the firm’s history. The lefty legislatures of the states bordering the Great Lakes, having taxed and spent their way into dire financial straits, are truly in desperate need of funds to keep the wolves from the door. Balls, never one to miss an opportunity to profit from the suffering of fools, has made a generous offer to these pea-brained potentates for a formerly priceless treasure: the Great Lakes!

Consider the possibilities! Balls International Industries will own approximately one-fifth of the world’s fresh surface water!  Millions of new clients will have the pleasure of relying on my better nature for their drinking water! The shipping lanes will be bustling once again with cargo ships whisking payloads of PCBs and thalidomide in and out of our great ports! Our national quest for energy independence can finally be realized with rigorous oil exploration and drilling throughout these grand waters!

Hedge fund managers within the financial arm of Balls International often refer to fresh water as “blue gold”, a life-sustaining commodity subject to the glorious combination of rising demand and dwindling supply. They are of the firm opinion that every drop of clean water will gain in value as the great unwashed continue to multiply like vermin! The occasional oil spill here or raw sewage leak there will simply accelerate the appreciation of the remaining unaffected water supply. Investment opportunities like this one come along just once or twice in a lifetime!

As every true patriot understands, my friends, the private sector always performs more effectively and efficiently than the public sector. Ownership of an asset like the Great Lakes is no exception. Do we truly want to become like France or any other marginalized socialist country with nationalized assets and nosebleed tax rates? After all, there is no endeavor that can’t be shaped for the better by the simple addition of a profit motive!

And let’s not forget the thousands of jobs that will be created by this pivotal purchase. It will take hundreds of Bangladeshi customer service reps to answer your pathetic calls about your new water bill! It will also take hundreds of Balls employees from south of the border to build drilling platforms in the newly christened Lake Ebenezer (named after my beloved Grandfather Balls)! Small businesses like Balls International are the true engines of job creation, and the three most pressing issues facing our great country are jobs, jobs, and jobs!

Balls is fully aware that the seal-kissing, bird-washing village idiots will collectively emerge from their parents’ basements to protest my pending acquisition. The hackysack crowd will surely be out in full force to warble their favorite protest songs and wistfully reminisce about the drug-addled kayak trips of their youth. Fear not, the Balls SWAT team has just the right potpourri of tear gas, tasers, and rubber bullets to send these simpletons back to their vinyl Joan Baez collections!

Change is never easy, my friends, but it is critical for us to collectively welcome change if we wish to prosper once again. We once embraced the great doctrine of Manifest Destiny as a nation, and it propelled us to greatness. The time has come for Balls International Industries to embrace our own Manifest Destiny. Citizens of our great country, in particular the beloved shareholders* of Balls International Industries, will benefit greatly from the splendid progress that awaits us. God bless America! -Balls


*In interest of full disclosure, B Thaddeus Balls owns 99.6% of all Balls International Industries common stock.


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2 Responses to “A Unique Acquisition”

  • B.T. Balls says:

    Dear Sunny: I remember the coach of my grandson’s cricket team telling the boys after a game that neither team had won or lost, but both teams were winners! Although Bleu was only six at the time, he clearly saw through the spin and recognized the lie for what it was. Not all teams can win, not all players can be great, and not all companies can succeed. It is not a reason for alarm if a great company like Walmart or Monsanto drives competitors out of business, rather it is a cause for celebration! It’s beautiful in it’s Darwinian simplicity! Let’s not hate the successful simply because of their success, my dear. Now please pass the genetically engineered peas. -Balls

  • sunny says:

    Mr. Balls,

    I didn’t think there could be a more loathsome corporate plan than Monsanto’s efforts to gobble up the planet’s farm land and use their genetically modified seeds to contaminate the world’s food supply and bring poor farm owner’s to their knees.

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