Prisons: A Growth Industry!

All true patriots understand that the free-market private sector will always perform more effectively and efficiently than the public sector. This truth was firmly grasped by our partners in the Bush-Cheney administration, who would probably have outsourced the other two branches of government had they been able to serve a third term! America can only return to greatness when we pry as many responsibilities as possible from our wretched politburo and hand them over to the loving hands of for-profit firms.

One of the duties formerly handled exclusively and, of course, ineptly, by the public sector was the administration of the prison system. Balls International Industries has been in the prison business in third world countries for decades, but only recently entered the domestic market. This undertaking has proven to be far more profitable than even I anticipated! Balls is always looking for a bull market somewhere, and has found one in the cash cow that is the prison business in the U.S.

“It’s not what you know, but who you know” is an old cliche, but true nonetheless. Balls makes it a point to get to know the deepest wants and desires of our public “servants” toiling in the muck of our justice system. Judges yearn for yachts, parole officers lust for lavish vacations, social workers and public defenders covet new cars, etc., etc. Each of these new business associates is a valuable source of referrals, since every new degenerate sent our way represents years of recurring revenue! The cost to cultivate working relationships with these centers of influence is more than offset by the resulting volume of high-margin business.

In most service businesses, pandering to the great unwashed is a necessary and costly endeavor. It’s practically scandalous to have a ten second delay when dispensing buckets of greasy fries to the morbidly obese! With the prison business, no one of consequence truly cares about the levels of service provided to our humble guests. We could serve them rancid pork and turpentine without a lick of blowback! On the contrary, most Americans (with the possible exception of Susan Sarandon and her lefty ilk) get an extra spring in their step when they hear that convicts are doing truly hard time. Therefore, we have a unique opportunity to increase profits by decreasing service to our ne’er do well clients!

My friends, it is in the best interest of our shareholders to increase enrollment and to lengthen the average stay at one of our facilities. The real sweet spot of our target market involves common crimes committed by common folk who can’t afford competent legal counsel. Our lobbying arm has done an outstanding job at influencing government lackeys to increase minimum mandatory sentences for theft, drugs, and other common offenses.  What politician wants to be portrayed as “soft on crime” in a Balls-sponsored television commercial? If this industry continues to trend favorably, we envision a future where upwards of ten percent of the U.S. population are long-term guests in our pristine facilities!

I would be remiss if I did not mention the fine work done by the media arm of our organization, who have been instrumental in making the word “tax” the most hated word in the English language! The average loafer on the street would sooner hook up his testicles to a car battery than pay an additional dime per annum in taxes! Lower tax receipts hamstring government functioning and result in outstanding opportunities for nimble corporate interests.  Balls is anticipating more and more opportunities to materialize in the near future! God bless America! -Balls

Reader Feedback

5 Responses to “Prisons: A Growth Industry!”

  • Hank says:

    Like it … very well pointed!

  • B.T. Balls says:

    Dear Patty: Every organization, profit or non-profit, needs a talented and motivated sales force. Truly elite sales reps are rare, indeed, and worth significant compensation. The judge that you reference, who happened to be on the Balls payroll at the time, was a truly elite sales rep!

  • Patty says:

    A while back I read an article about the link of for profit prisons & corruption. At that time I was not aware that prisons were private, I thought they were all Federal. Then I noticed how the lawmakers manipulated the outcome so these prisons would be assured lots & lots of business. Like the Draconian mandatory minimum sentences for non-violent drug crimes and as if that wasn’t harsh enough they instituted more punitive laws by making ex offenders ineligible for student aide making it even more difficult for he or she to succeed.Like Revoking drivers licenses of ex-offenders so it’s more difficult to get to work if they can even find a job. The more I learn about the (In)Justice System the more disgusted I get. ~AND~
    Ex-Pa. judge pleads guilty in kids-for-cash scheme involving juvenile detention center–>

  • B.T. Balls says:

    Let’s let all the riff raff out on the streets, shall we? Throw open the cell doors and all our problems will be solved! The reason that fine young cannibal killed and ate that family was because he was suffering from low self esteem, eh? Mr. Curl appears to be just another lefty who’s soft on crime and hard on small business!

  • Todd Curl says:

    Oh Balls, there you go again. Not only using the concept of private prisons — your private prison in this instance — for your article, but the same picture as well. If you recall, I myself wrote a little piece on the Prison Industrial Complex some time back, but apparently you feel the need to promote your own private prison despite my thorough tongue lashing of such industries that practice what amounts to slavery given the profound damage that the symbiotic relationship between the Judicial branch of Govt. and Private Industry that promotes the antagonism of the poor (minorities greatly over-represented) for profit and greed. I hope you feel proud old Balls.

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