God Gave Rock’n’Roll, and Pigeons, to You

Rod Argent wrote a fairly innocuous little ditty back in the ’70’s that was later re-released by Kiss, God gave rock’n’roll to you, Put it in the soul of everyone. Well, God also created pigeons, whom apparently find fault with the Kings of Leon. The pigeons expressed their musical opinions while literally pooping all over them on-stage Friday night in St. Louis from their perches high above in the Verizon Amphitheater. Depending on which report that you read, one has the birds defecating over all the musicians that night.

The opening two acts completed their sets while getting the treatment from the rafters, followed by a very short three-song set when the main act said basta! Bassist Jared Followill, a self-proclaimed “germophobe” got bombarded with a direct hit into his mouth while singing. That white, black, grimy goo can be a real hazard, particularly when it lands in your mouth. So when the birds told the boys to go eat s**t, they meant it.

Where is Ozzy Osbourne, The Prince of Darkness, when we need him? Pigeon schmidgeons, Ozzy eats the heads off of bats, none of this wussy stuff for the Oz man. Ozzy would throw pig intestines and cow livers into the audience during performances back in the day, and one time the fans got into the act. Somebody tossed a live bat on stage and thinking it was a toy, Ozzy bit it’s head off. Following the gig, mister drugs and alcohol was rushed to the hospital for tests and rabies shots; and these guys can’t take bird poop?

Meanwhile, scientists have made a big discovery. They have found a monster star. They say that the star is 10 million times brighter and seven times hotter than our big light in the sky. Being 165 million light years from home, (186,282 miles per second – you can look it up), it does not pose a threat to our way of life.

The fascinating part is the device with which they found this hot spot. In the same vein as Mel Brook’s Spaceballs or an Austin Powers joke, they discovered the celestial wonder with the VLT – Very Large Telescope. We got yer Hubble Space Telescope, we got yer rockets, and we got one Very Large Telescope. Sounds like something you’d buy at Sears.

Elsewhere in the Universe, talk show-hybrid hostess Chelsea Handler made a funny when she did a brief story on a TLC show called, Strange Sex. In this case, people attempting orgasms by lying around in circles (a circle of jerks) and thinking, or as they say, “thinking off”. Napoleon Hill wrote Think and Grow Rich, but I’m not aware of any title out there entitled Think and Go Blind.  In the vein of fear-mongering from parents and Nuns, “You do that and you’ll go blind!” Miss Handler made the comment that it is about people so unattractive that even their own hands don’t want anything to do with them. Aye yie yie.

But wait, there’s more! All of us are fully aware, or at least most of us, or, I know a few of us are, semi-aware that marijuana is a very dangerous drug that leads to uninhibited merriment and very intense hunger. So guys like Roger Christie, the founder of The Hawaii Cannabis Ministry, is deemed a “danger to the community” and “too dangerous” to be let out on bail. How did this threat to society become so evil? He used marijuana as a sacrament in his THC Ministry. Well, he wasn’t trying to hide anything, saying it right there in the name. Roger and 13 current and former employees have been arrested by the DEA for trafficking offenses. A legal battle has begun and the prosecution of sir Christie is in motion.

What it is not discussed is the kind of music that was played during services. If everyone is getting high at church, were they playing traditional hymns, “We have a friend in Jesus”, or The Stones, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”, or jazz, bluegrass, modern country, or what? Some music played in Universal Unitarian (UUs) churches is quite similar to a marijuana experience, or so I’m told. Attending a service one Sunday morning, the UU’s entertained everyone with a 10-15 minute drum solo interlude by inviting anyone who pleased to grab a bongo or any handy percussion instrument, come up to the alter and express themselves in interpretive banging. It was, it was, it was unbelievable is what it was. Maybe 8 guys took the bate, sat around and just hit stuff. It was during this interminable expression of self-indulgence that I came to agree with the Feds that marijuana is a very dangerous drug. How else could grown human beings do this publicly? Although no one laughed or got hungry, somebody had to be high to think this was something the rest of society needed to share. God did indeed give us rock’n’roll, but this interpretive banging had to be the work of the Devil. It had to be.

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Animated Balls: Election 2012

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Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

Episode 7: Why We Must Elect Rick!

Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

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Episode 12: Austerity and Obama's Debt!

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