An Open Letter to Andrew Breitbart
B Thaddeus Balls
Dear Andrew,
Balls is appalled by your merciless crucifixion in the media for the crime of airing one of America’s funniest home videos! Your wry sense of humor has been lost in the mock outrage of the hyenas fraudulently misrepresenting your story. After parsing the facts surrounding the case, I believe that Balls and Breitbart share a similar comedic sensibility.
The charge against you is that you cobbled together some old out-of-context footage of a young African-American lady openly bragging about keeping a white farmer down. My friend, the Balls family has been accused of keeping white southern farmers down for generations! For years we routinely substituted Agent Orange for fertilizer in shipments headed below the Mason-Dixon line simply because we made an extra ten cents a gallon on the stuff! Our subprime mortgage division wreaked more havoc in the south than the great General Sherman!
You’ve also been accused of adding overdubbed applause on the video, allegedly to make it seem like the NAACP audience was enjoying the uneven justice being doled out by a black government official on the white southern populace. Is it truly shocking to find that southern blacks might find some glee in getting even with inbred Klansmen for centuries of abuse? The irony of southern whites being upset over a racist black government official is truly priceless! I didn’t hear the overdubbed applause the first ten times I watched the video, since it was drowned out by my ear-splitting belly laughs!
Andrew, my friend, I understand that some goober in Georgia is hoarding more of this marvelous video. I know your rigorous ethical standards prevent you from publicly identifying the owner of this gold mine, but please contact my grandson Bleu today and name your price. I will fly a few stooges down to Dixie to procure my newly acquired treasure from Jethro so Mrs Balls and I can enjoy the footage in our home theatre this weekend!
Sincerely,
B Thaddeus Balls
