Russian Spies, Shock and Awe

Russian Agents are anywhere and everywhere, and Balls understands that this is no minor predicament. When one cockroach is found, you can be certain that there are hundreds more. This is a national security nightmare, and the gullible cretins in this administration are gathered on the White House lawn singing Kum Ba Yah!

Ready the bomb shelters! Stock up on SPAM and surgical masks! Let the students rehearse “duck and cover” once more! Boris walks among us! The question is not if, but when, the Ruskie nukes will fly! The only hope that stands between our beloved way of life as we know it and armageddon is a massive preemptive attack on the Russian Bear!

My friends, the defense arm of Balls International Industries is at the ready with state-of-the-art weaponry. We can knock that ludicrous fur hat off Putin’s noggin from three thousand miles away with our brand new “Skullcapper” missile! Our BALLS PROTECTOR Armor was voted best body armor by the National Armor Manufacturer/Builder Lobbying Association (NAMBLA) for the third year running! Our expertise in interrogation, re-education (currently utilized in our Company Stooge training program), and private security capabilities makes Blackwater look like pikers!

But missiles and tanks don’t build themselves, my friends. It takes people like you, working in jobs paying a good wage, to assemble our state-of-the-art weaponry! At a time when even the most bushy-tailed goofus sees a double-dip recession on the horizon, a massive war is our only sure bet of jump-starting this anemic economy! And while, admittedly, the vast majority of our facilities are strategically located in our partner countries around the world, the portion of our overseas profits that will eventually be repatriated to the U.S. is bound to have a positive impact on the domestic front.

I hate to break the news to the hackysack crowd, but anthrax cultures and smart bombs are subject to the laws of supply and demand like any other product! It is simply bad business for Balls to have nothing but dirt huts in Afghanistan to blow up! Over there it looks roughly the same after the bomb hits than before! I had our prior military leadership sold on the idea of using million-dollar bombs on thirty dollar shacks, but Balls can only ride that gravy train for so long! Our lobbying arm, in light of the new red scare, has launched a full-scale attack on the pack of imbeciles in Congress to educate them in the pressing need for our product portfolio. Sustained demand for our products is surely just around the corner! -Balls


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Animated Balls: Election 2012

Episode 1: It's Hard to Choose Just One

Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

Episode 5: Newt is Forgiven

Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

Episode 7: Why We Must Elect Rick!

Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

Episode 9: Santorum & Obamaville

Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

Episode 12: Austerity and Obama's Debt!

Episode 13: From My Cold, Dead Hands!

Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

Episode 16: Mitt & Me; 2 Peas in a Pod!

Episode 17: Mitt and the 47%

Episode 18: The PA Voter ID Law

Episode 19: The Boss is Running!

Episode 20: Benghazi Has Legs

Episode 21: Grover, the NRA, and the GOP

Animated Balls: A New Frontier!

Piers Morgan & the White House Conspire Against Alex Jones!

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