Eye of the Tiger

The most recent jobs report was as dreary and dismal as Balls predicted. The only two occupations in the US that showed notable growth were census workers and bird washers! The much-hyped stimulus plan of this wrong-headed administration has stimulated nothing but fear in the hearts of small business owners like Balls. It is apparent that the U.S. is being left behind in the global marketplace, and we must take immediate action if we truly wish to return to the glory days of American business! However, in order for the phoenix to rise again from the ashes, we must have a wholesale shift in the mindset of the American worker!

Set aside your union card and your proclivity for personal days for a moment, and listen closely! The American labor force is overrun with prima donnas who know not the true meaning of work, but instead spend company time stalking their seventh grade sweethearts on Facebook! Why would Balls choose to hire an ungrateful, slovenly American when, for the same wage, ten Bangladeshi boys would tirelessly work eighteen hour shifts doing anything asked of them? Balls has workers in the Sudan who would be willing to literally cut the throats of workers at our competitor’s plant in return for one unpaid coffee break! Now that’s the kind of can-do spirit we need to sweep across America from sea to shining sea in order to be competitive in this global economy!

Balls recently had the pleasure of viewing Rocky III again with Mrs. Balls in our home theatre. In this great American epic, Rocky had to recapture the “eye of the tiger” he had lost after reaching the pinnacle of success in his sport. The American worker has become shiftless and insolent, no longer wiling to put in the extra hours and elbow grease necessary for greatness. One could easily be trampled to death at the exits near the end of a shift in an American plant! At our North Korean facility it is both legal and widely accepted to shoot employees to death for leaving before the bell!

The American employee must realize that their competition is no longer limited to the simpleton down the street. The competition now includes billions of people around the world who won’t go on a crying binge because the company vending machine swallowed their quarter! The corkers punching their time cards at our Myanmar facility aren’t whining about the performance of their 401(k)! These stalwarts are content simply because they have yet to lose an eye, hand, or foot to one of our ambitious young Balls disciplinarians!

The 1950s are often erroneously idealized as the “good old days” in America. Unfortunately, that decade ushered in the beginning of the end for American business! Lavish prosperity for the workforce typically breeds laziness and discontent. The true glory days of American business were the 1890s, when the American worker truly had an appreciation for their employers! Whole crews of oriental railroad workers would routinely be discovered in the spring, still clutching their hammers, having had been buried under an avalanche while working on the rails in the Sierra Nevadas! We had no complaints from our mining partners about long hours, collapsed mines, or black lung disease! These great American role models, long forgotten by the entitlement crowd today, point the way back to American preeminence in global business! The time has come, my friends, to get back the “eye of the tiger”! -Balls

Reader Feedback

3 Responses to “Eye of the Tiger”

  • B.T. Balls says:

    Congratulations! My stooges plucked your scribbling from my mailbag and chose it to be published as one of the “Queries from the great unwashed”! You should truly feel deeply honored, my friend.

  • Todd Curl says:

    I completely agree with you on all fronts. Having Mr. Balls on my staff was not something I did willingly. Considering the trouble I got into while under the employ of Balls Industries over in Kazakhstan (some big to do about some minor Thalidomide manufacturing infractions) I had no choice but to allow ‘Old’ Balls his column or be tried under Kazakh Law. BT has me by the Balls and I must publish his elitist and Corporatist propaganda or else risk a life of imprisonment in Eastern Europe.

  • kiadragon says:

    I am gonna call it out as the sort of propoganda bullshit that Management always tries.

    We are NOT lazy. We are NOT overpaid. We are NOT insolent.

    The top ONE PERCENT has gotten way out of sync in paying for its responsibilites, (including wages/taxes of people they hire).

    The writer of this article is a douche the first order. The New Right Wing Talking Point…BLAME THE AMERICAN WORKER.

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Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

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