Cut Me A Break

Perusing the internet for funny/stupid/absurd things to make me laugh, I can a cross an article about The Most Ridiculous “How to” books. Oddly feeling somewhat community-oriented, I’ve decided to assist you in these “How to” books just in case you have not seen them, or if you just can not hit the link to the actual article. For those of us who are about to die, we salute you.

Of the 13 books selected, the opening entry is How to Date A White Women; A Practical Guide for Asian Men. It immediately reminded me of the line from Mel Brook’s Blazing Saddles where Cleavon Little’s character, black Sheriff Bart, says to two Ku Klux Klan vigilantes, “Hey, where da white women at?” It’s just funny. So, being a white guy who has experienced dating white women, any book that advises you on how to date a white woman can not possibly give you valid advice on dating white women…because there is no valid advice. Many moons ago, Phil Donahue did an entire TV talk show episode on how women, white/black/all-of-the-above say yes when they mean no, say no when they mean yes, and that men are supposed to know the difference between the two. Well, he had the entire audience of women screaming and laughing, that yes; it’s true, that’s what they do and only they themselves know what they’re doing. Good luck on the book.

Next on the list is, Anybody Can Be Cool, But Awesome Takes Practice. You betcha. Now, of all the people that you know, all of them, do you buy the statement that anybody can be cool? Anybody? How about somebody? Just somebody. I know someone who is terminally uncool, but occasionally thinks they are, in fact, cool. This can be dangerous because it leads to public displays of excessive dorkiness, or very uncool behavior. It’s just flat out embarrassing to see them doing their interpretation on being cool. It just doesn’t work. And then to even imagine that awesome could be created out of this walking dweeb is incomprehensible. Oh, by the way, this person really is a nice guy. Talented in his field, quite conversant on multiple subjects, but not cool. Maybe in a parallel universe, but not this one.

The next is, How To Have Sex In The Woods. Really? Someone can write a book on this? If it takes more than a paragraph then somebody is confused. And if you haven’t “done it” in the woods, please put it on your Bucket List. It’s worth a day trip…really. This is followed by How To Start Your Own Country. I’m sure there’s lots of very valuable information in there, but have you seen the aging process on people who run our country? They didn’t start it, they attempt to run it, and look what it does to them.

Moving forward, every woman must read How To Pee Standing Up; Tips For Hot Chicks. Well there ya go. I have searched high and low for hot chicks, but all of the chicks/gals/honeys/dames/hot mamas that I know, all of them sit down to pee. You know, I just never thought to look for a woman who pees standing up, although I’m certain that I’ve met a few. I guess I should have been “thinking out of the box.” Although, it has been pointed out to me that there is a device for women to use who do indeed desire to pee while standing up…and they continually sell out! Whatever.

Another entry is How To Avoid Big Ships. Big ships? Let’s see, how about not getting in front of them in the ocean or other huge bodies of water. How many people actually have this problem? Big ships are huge! Some are nearly a half mile in length. And if you are on the water in your cute little sailboat or motorboat, this behemoth somehow skips past your field of vision? If that’s the case, you should not be allowed to be in a moving vehicle, water or land.

And then of course, there is the How to of How to’s: How To Be Pope. Can you believe that this guy comes up a second time within a week? We just made fun of the Pope awarding The Blues Brothers flick a Hall of Fame designation for Catholic films, despite excessive cocaine and alcohol abuse while making the cult classic. So anyway, people that actually do want to be Pope are not reading How To books about the path towards Popedom. They just do and maybe someday maybe they will be.

There are more How To’s, but it is up to you to find them. And if they are absurd as these, please share with all of us. Gracia.

Reader Feedback

One Response to “Cut Me A Break”

  • Kendra says:

    Wow….I had no idea there was a device that will make it possible to pee standing up. What a find. I HAVE to have this…I can’t wait to order one. Thanks John. Very useful information. Love your articles. Keep it coming.

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