An Open Letter To All Balls Employees

Why We Must Take Appropriate “Austerity” Measures

It is no secret that lefty countries like Greece, Spain, Portugal, and the U.S. are finally experiencing the consequences of their vicious and  irresponsible wealth redistribution practices. In spite of the continued attempts of these socialist fools to confiscate our hard-earned profits, I am proud to report that our firm has continued to thrive. However, our costs of doing business have been outpacing our growth in revenue. For example,

  1. Bribery (aka “lobbying” in the U.S.), a necessary cost of doing business, has become vastly more expensive. These public sector jackals apparently believe they can make amends for decades of their own fiscal mismanagement by robbing Balls blind;
  2. The cost of tasers and other productivity enhancers (including our proprietary water additive “workimax”) have doubled since we first embraced their use;
  3. The pack of hyenas representing us in an assortment of class action law suits are attempting to bleed us dry with their ticky-tacky legal fees;
  4. Currency exchange issues have materially impacted earnings. Our hedges against the North Korean Won and the Bangladeshi Taka have underperformed our expectations.

Therefore, we must take several necessary steps to offset these rising costs in order to maintain profitability for our beloved shareholders*. As of this Monday, the following “austerity measures” will go into effect:

  1. My father, in his brief and wholly unsuccessful tenure here as overlord, decided to dole out a vacation day to all Balls employees with at least 20 years of tenure with the firm. This slippery slope to socialism has had a significant adverse impact on productivity and must be revoked;
  2. My father also decided, at the height of his weakness, to construct a “break room” at each of our plants worldwide. These productivity-drains will be converted into “re-education rooms” for suspected union organizers;
  3. My grandson Bleu has discovered an opportunity in the ordinances of several of our jurisdictions that will allow us to circumvent the expensive treatment of waste released from our chemical plants. The chemicals in question are primarily steroids and will have nothing but positive impact on the growth of local fish and wildlife;
  4. Our Company Stooge Trainee Program, the most comprehensive of its kind, will no longer provide name badges to trainees. At Balls International Industries there is no I in team.

Always keep in mind that our primary reason for existence is to maximize profits for our beloved shareholders*! It is they who have invested the necessary capital for us to collectively prosper as an organization! It is they who depend on us to consistently provide adequate return on their investment! Let us never forget it. -Balls

*In interest of full disclosure, B Thaddeus Balls owns 99.6% of all Balls International Industries common stock.

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Episode 4: Small Government

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