Balls International Industries: About Us

Ebenezer Balls (1879 – 1979) inherited a small fortune from his Uncle Zebediah “Rancid” Balls, a wealthy exploiter of young chimney sweeps in England. Ebenezer was just sixteen when when he received “The Vision” of Balls International Industries while studying Darwinism and Calvinism at an elite school for privileged youth. “The Vision” consisted of five primary objectives:

  1. Rigorously focusing on cost containment;
  2. Capitalizing on regulatory loopholes;
  3. Evading taxes whenever possible;
  4. Leveraging relationships with prominent politicians;
  5. Maintaining strict control over his workforce.

Balls built an international empire and enjoyed great prosperity until his planned death on the eve of his 100th birthday. Thousands of well-wishers attended the funeral to bid a fond farewell to Ebenezer, and BII Employees reminisced about the fledgling years of the company. One Balls retiree mused about the “old man” publicly “bringing the wood” to young employees for such infractions as throwing away an unused paper clip and sustaining eye contact with a manager.

Ebenezer was succeeded by his son, who strayed from “the vision” during a short, unsuccessful turn as CEO. B Thaddeus Balls, Ebenezer’s grandson and protege, took the helm in 1981 and has overseen unprecedented worldwide expansion ever since. BII now has facilities around the world, including Myanmar, Siberia, Sudan, North Korea, Zimbabwe, Saudi Arabia, and several other undisclosed locations. Balls International has stakes in mining, oil, chemicals, pharmaceuticals, media, health insurance,  and defense.

Balls International Industries is forced by law to be an equal opportunity employer.


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Animated Balls: Election 2012

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Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

Episode 5: Newt is Forgiven

Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

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Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

Episode 9: Santorum & Obamaville

Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

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Episode 13: From My Cold, Dead Hands!

Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

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Episode 18: The PA Voter ID Law

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