Balls International Industries: Now Hiring

We are in the midst of some challenging economic times, primarily because a legion of low-income leaches deceived their way into row homes they simply did not deserve to own. That said, Balls International Industries is expanding yet again and we are looking for worthy team members. Be prepared to answer the following questions during our rigorous screening process:

  1. Can you lift at least 200 pounds?
  2. Do you have a high tolerance for pain?
  3. Do you mind wearing a collar and/or ankle monitor?
  4. Do you have any objection to corporal punishment?
  5. Would you be willing to relocate to Bangladesh, Myanmar, Siberia, or North Korea? If not, can you relocate to our on-site housing? Do you have any objections to multiple roommates and close quarters (are you a “people person” and are you claustrophobic}?
  6. Are you good at keeping secrets?
  7. If approached by 60 minutes or some other wretched lefty “news” program for an interview, would you allow Balls International Industries to appoint a representative in your place?
  8. Do you have an irrational fear of wading through sludge?
  9. Do you require “benefits”? If so, do you object to limiting your medical care to our in-house “doctors”?
  10. Most importantly, have you ever or will you ever belong to a union? If not, would you be willing to swear on the Balls family King James Bible to that effect?

If you feel you have the right stuff to join the Balls team, please contact us ASAP. My grandson Bleu, who has a real knack for interrogation, will be conducting interviews.

An equal opportunity employer

Reader Feedback

2 Responses to “Balls International Industries: Now Hiring”

  • B.T. Balls says:

    S. Russel Worthington III – it sounds like you come from good stock! I currently have an opening for a fall guy to take the blame in a minor lead poisoning incident involving a chain of day cares. We’ll provide a suit for your testimony, a generous per diem, and room and board at our onsite housing until the case is settled. Your lack of a tongue may prove to be an asset. Please note that this position entails a certain moral flexibility. -Balls

  • S. Russel Worthington III says:

    I believe I would be quite interested in any and all employment opportunities through Balls International.

    I have a high pain tolerance and a penchant for bondage and discipline. I hear Myanmar is quite lovely this time of year.

    I am indeed proficient at keeping secrets as I have no tongue — freak accident through my former employer: Hydrochloric Toothpaste Inc.

    I believe I am the man Ball Industries seeks.

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Episode 14: Ryan is a Bold Choice for VP!

Episode 15: Mitt Romney's Taxes

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