Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Minimum Wage

It is truly rare, indeed, for Balls to laugh out loud while suffering through the lefty drivel that passes for “news” these days. Nevertheless, I find it impossible to choke back a chuckle when the dimwitted denizens of the wretched state of Arizona whine about the ambitious young brown-skins who are forced to pass through that godforsaken place on their quest for a better future. Are these imbeciles truly under the delusion that their dilapidated campers and dismal games of canasta hold any allure for these aspiring young entrepreneurs?

Rip open the borders, I say! Build a vast network of walking bridges across the Rio Grande and welcome these doe-eyed dreamers with open arms! Balls International Industries will have a fleet of cargo vans waiting to whisk away our new work force to our pristine facilities! Nothing would please me more than to issue a proclamation to fire the entire tawdry pack of union-loving jackals that is devouring our shareholders’ profits and suckling at the teat of the Balls fortune! No more bottom-feeding whistle blowers! Long forgotten will be the whiny, safety goggle-donning, naysaying OSHA devotees! And a special farewell to the vacation-loving, health insurance-needing, Facebook-trolling-on-company-time weasels who flee the building at the stroke of five as if the boiler had exploded!


I have lovingly commissioned a wave of upgrades to our facilities in anticipation of this glorious new partnership between the firm and our new trainees. The Balls family servants have agreed, in return for running water in their living quarters, to temporarily serve as interpreters and “motivators” until our recently ramped-up quotas are achieved. I have arranged to have plush on-site housing* constructed for our new workforce to eliminate tardiness and facilitate overtime. Finally, I will personally oversee the sublime transformation of the loathsome “break” room into a shrine to our beloved founder and my Grandfather, Ebenezer Balls.

Grandfather Balls, God rest his soul, often spoke wistfully about the dedicated orientals that toiled tirelessly for the railroad division of Balls International in the early days of our firm. Those humble workmen never complained about long hours, snow, dysentery, dynamite, horsewhips, or other hallmarks of our early corporate culture. It was practically a scandal when one of them would even blink a slanted eye at one of our crackerjack strike-breaking personnel! Those were the days, my friends. -Balls

*note to shareholders: drywall provided at a steep discount from our Balls subsidiary in rural China


B.T. Balls: He's Right, You're Wrong!

Reader Feedback

2 Responses to “Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Minimum Wage”

  • B.T. Balls says:

    I’ll have a Balls van sent to meet you ASAP.

  • raphael says:

    I am astounded to see thousands of youth leaders taking up the challenge to better America, while the so called leaders ignore them. The DREAM Act is the first step to fixing our immigration system. Its is irrational to deny the talented youth of America their right to dream. They are smartest, dedicated and determined individuals in the nation.
    They face persecution, not of religion, but of their parents decision to give their child an oppurtunity at a better life that there birth country couldn’t. Who are we to deny them.

    FREE the DREAM 2010

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Episode 2: Occupy Wall Street

Episode 3: 999! The Cain Train to Prosperity

Episode 4: Small Government

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Episode 6: A Candidate with Big Balls

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Episode 8: Don't Make Me Use the "S" Word!

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Episode 10: Settle for Mitt!

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